I woke up this morning searching through the muck that anxiety and panic has left my brain to find something that I could be thankful for. Of course, the voice in my headhad other things to say.
Standing at my desk, staring, but not really seeing anything out my window, I thought to myself, "I'm thankful for my family. They'll always be here for me."
"Your family?" the voice said. "You mean the people whose lives you're destroying because they're practically giving their lives to make you better? How long do you think that's going to last?"
I shrank back and thought of something else.
"My health," I thought. "I'm alive and healthy."
The voice snorted. "You're supposed to be healthy? So I guess never sleeping unless you're doped up with Dramamine and Ibuprophen is healthy? Oh,and remember you barely eat anymore so you've lost the little bit of weight that you had because when you do eat, you either throw it up or it comes out…the other way." The voice chuckled. "Sure. You're healthy. And I guess you're still breathing so you could call yourself alive."
Okay. So where did that leave me? I don't really enjoy the things I used to do–I do them anyway because my therapist said to try to do them no matter what I felt like–I'm not happy anymore…what did I have?
That left me with one other thing. The voice wasn't going to like it. In fact, I expected to be shot down, discouraged, laughed at. But what did I have to lose?
I took a breath and then said steadily. "Because God loves me, He sent His son to die for me. Because of that, I have faith in Jesus Christ that He will get me through this day and then I will have something to be thankful for. The memories He allows me to make today because of His grace and mercy enabling me to walk in His strength–I'll be thankful for that."
The voice was silent, but not for long. "He's made you suffer before. What if He lets you go through the day on your own?"
"God promises to never leave us, nor forsake us," I countered. "He promises peaces to His saints. And God can't lie."
The voice tried to speak, but I cut him off.
"So regardless of what I feel or am afraid of I will walk in the assurance that God will give me His strength whether I have to suffer a few hours, He will get me through."
And then I walked out my bedroom and into the throng of bubbling family members.
So here I amsix hours later.Lounging on my bed in my room with my mother supporting me at my desk, talking about what we can eat for supper–the leftovers from the feast this afternoon. I'm leaning towards cereal…my poor stomach. The day wasn't easy, but don't you know, God got me through. He is an awesome God and I'm learning that He works in us, but sometimes we need to actually get up and walk in faith for anything to happen.
Of course, tonight I may have a completely different attitude :/