Ok, this block…errr blog I mean ( 😛 ) has both positive and negatives, but probably most negatives, and deals with several things that have been going on in my life recently. Now you’ve all been warned…
The Caretaker/Homehelp company I work for recently hired a new Manager (I’m guessing Executive Manager would be an English word for it – his job is rather executive anyway and he’s a Manager of sorts). This guy is very interested in his employees and seems very professional, with a sort of superficial easy-going attitude; stuff that’s all very good from a professional standpoint.
I attended a staff meeting during which he was officially introduced to us and that meeting started out with him asking each of us to tell a little about yourself, specifically about our educational background, hobbies, family and such (don’t you just hate those?).
Well, that way, our new Manager learned that I do animation in my spare time (occasionally), so he got interested in having me do a company jingle for use with presentations. That’s pretty cool and all, because if I’m lucky and able to play my cards right, this could open up new opportunities for me.
Well, all good things come with a price of course.
Our new Manager has a military background. I have a morbid fear of soldiers and anyone who wears the stench of military (though it’s nothing personal and I’m cool with militaristic clothing).
Moreover, in a private conversation with this guy about this animation assignment, I learned that he apparently thinks it’s fun to tease people; he small-talked about a physical test he participated in during his Army career that involved a computer program where you typed in your test results – and they had fun swapping keyboards, so their comrades would get confused typing away on the keyboard but getting nothing on their monitor (while the neighbor monitor spat out numbers like insane).
I have a morbid fear of people who think having fun at the expense of others is “cool” or otherwise ok, ***because it is not dammit!*** That’s probably the reason I’m uncomfortable around soldiery-types, because a lot of them are like that. The morons probably think it’s “manly”, when really it’s a celebration of weakness.
Result: My anxiety levels have been raised rather considerably and I’ve slept rather badly for the last couple weeks, which has resulted in sudden fits of depression and/or rage.
I talked to my off-the-internet friend recently and she just said that if I churned out a really good piece of work for this assignment, I could gain his respect.
Right, but if sleep deprivations and severe mood swings prevent me from doing my thing effectively, then there’s no damned hope and things could end up getting all bad-like.
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Not only that, but I have also learned that oftentimes, if people start thinking you’re really good at something, they start thinking you’re sitting purty (pretty), like the morons they are, and then they get envious, which means they will grab *any* opportunity to put you down, regardless of how much you’ve tried to please them in the past.
Experience tells me, that even the seemingly most professionally Boss can end up abusing his/her position, if he/she feels outdone. This is especially true for personalities that can’t perform the single task of “respecting” other people enough to not tease them.
Result: The author of this here block of text, known as a ‘blog’, does not feel safe anymore, hence the raised anxiety levels.
Q: “But Phobos, why don’t you just try to view the positive sides of the situation”
A: I *have* tried. My instincts work against me and trying to shove the negative thoughts onto a shelf already brimming with negativity only causes several other pieces of “negative” to fall down and hit me in the head, effectively making it worse. Huzzah!
No, I need effective, outside “ammo” in the shape of positive experiences/events/objects to stimulate positive thoughts, rather than having to search for positive stimuli among memories mostly tainted by lousy memories. This is something that’s very difficult to acquire on my own.
Case in point: I’ll just try and hope for the best, but I’m gearing up for the worst. Lock and load!
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And then there’s another thing that’s been going on that I should cover.
For quite some time now, I’ve been attending a bi-weekly (i.e. once a fortnight) meeting/course for voluntary First-Aid work.
My Mother and Older Brother thought this was a good idea, so I could get myself a social network and get “re-introduced into society”, and I have a bad habit of assuming members of my family know what they’re talking about (despite many experiences pointing to the contrary – will I ever learn?).
Well, this First-Aid thingy has frequently stressed me out, rather than be beneficial to me and lately, it’s really been freaking me out because they suddenly want me to attend several courses. I’ve also come to realize that voluntary work as a First-Aid man is not something I’m cut out to do.
This kind of stuff requires you to keep a cool head in highly volatile and stressful situations, just as I originally feared. My Mum and brother, however, claimed it wouldn’t be like that and told me not to “think too much about it” – note to self: *never* pay any heed to people claiming I “think too much”.
In other words, I need to pull myself together to tell them that I’m stopping and why I’ve elected to stop. This is probably a good thing, since it will reduce the amount of stress I experience every second week, but I’m still frustrated with the trouble this has already cost me.
So hoo-ray, I wrote yet another block of text with an overload of grievances.
Okay the boss first…. relax and calm down… I see this point about the keyboards.. and stuff… SOme people are insecure and when put above others are more apt to blow them selves up to look bigger than they are. I would not let my guard down.. but dont let him make you not sleep at night. I get it .. Illegal and people that do things to hurt others scare me when in power ( like a boss ) me too… Can you get another job .. possibly ? I would .
Okay First aid man… is this a paramedic … as they would call it where I live… Is there any way you can go to schooling for graphic design? This would help the society thing and get you in a position of working for your self and decreasing the ( working for others) alot of things are done like web page design and animation.. its a thought … I would look for opportunities to get out of this … through schooling or another job…. I GET IT …