I really think parents have a BIG part in forming you into the person you will be in your adult life. I used to not think that. I thought we formed ourselves which in a sense we do but I think our parents play a HUGE part.

My mom is very controlling. Everything has to be her way or the highway. She made us kids feel ashamed about a lot of things in life. Like sex or our emotions. If you weren’t in physical pain why are you crying? She looks at you like you are from another planet then automatically assumes you are deeply depressed!

I believe my brother is Bi-polar. He has these extremes. Like extreme happiness one week then rock bottom depression the next. Goes on a huge shopping spree spending all his money then the next week selling it all.

My mom wanted one child. My dad had a child through a previous marriage so when he met my mom he didn’t want to have anymore kids. But my mom wanted one so badly so my dad gave in. So technically my dad didn’t want us kids. Since my mom only wanted one and I am the oldest that would leave the fact that she did not want my brother. The worse part is SHE TOLD HIM THIS! What the fuck kind of thing is that to say to your kid???? I think that has made him into person he is today! He can’t control himself because he didn’t have the nurturing that he really needed in his childhood. Another thing my mom wanted in addition to a child was a career. You can’t have both! She relied on the horrible neighbors to watch us kids. They were terrible people! They locked us in the basement, shoved rock salt down my brothers throat, threw ice/slush balls at us, ditched us on the walk home from school, put us in dangerous siuations like throwing a ball into someone’s backyard where a really mean dog resided and them make us go get the ball. I think this is one reason why I am so jaded about religion…but that will be another blog!

I know my older half-sister resents our dad. He never calls or writes her. She sends him emails all the time but he never responds. We try and call each other once a week. I can see where she sees how our dad is not a very good person thus made her mormom because she felt it was a better path to go.

Since my sister is my half sister she resided with her mother. Thus leaving my brother and I to live with our mom and dad. So I was the oldest. Being a girl I could not do anything! My brother being a boy could get away with a lot more. Kind of double standard! Girls were not allowed to enjoy sex! Girls could not stay out late. Girls could not have sex because of the risk of getting pregnant. WHY??? I don’t understand. So when a boy is having sex with a girl she is to just lay there? He is the only one to enjoy it? I can see somewhat of why I girl should not stay out late. Only for the reason that most rapes and murders happen late at night. BUT THAT IS THE ONLY reason. A girl can get pregnant in the day as easy as she can at night. Did you know that the boys GET the girls pregnant? It takes two to tango. And if you go by the whole thing of the girl just laying there while the boy plows her then technically it is his fault she is pregnant. Right??

My mother hated any boys I brought home. So I didn’t bring any home anymore. I kept it a secret and would sneak around. Which got me into some serious trouble which to this day she still does not know about. I didn’t date a ton in High School and I have my reasons for that. So I move out at 18 and live with my first really really long term boyfriend. We have two kids together and got married and now we are divorced! Ok so my mom didn’t want me to date in my teenage years but you know what she said right before I was going to divorce my husband. “You never dated anyone. I wish you would have done that. Then you wouldn’t be in a situation like this now” WHAT???? Why the hell would I bring any guy home. You hated ALL of them. You especially hate my ex-husband and you aren’t shy to tell me that EVERY FUCKING DAY of my life! So now I am dating! And I am not sharing any information. She thinks there is only one guy I am after but she is sadly mistaken. Now dating is different from sleeping so don’t get the two confused! But lets just say I am having some fun that my mother and father for that matter, do not know about. Actually my siblings don’t know either.

I think my mom is the one depressed. She is the one with the problem. I think she leads a very unhealthy lifestyle! She eats very poorly which in turn has made her fat! She has sleep apnea due to being fat! I have lost 30pounds in the last 6months. I am finally feeling good about myself and she is so jealous! I fucking hate that. Why can’t she just be happy for me? WHY?? I really don’t understand. She is jealous of my friendships, if I make more money, I have a newer car then her, or I lost a lot of weight! I have told her she could loose the weight but she doesn’t want it bad enough. She cliams she does but if she really did she would do something about it TODAY! Take the fork out! No more junk!!! You need to get your lazy fat ass of the couch and exercise and exercise isn’t taking your dog for a “walk” the dog wanders! That is not exercise! One thing that I have recently learned is being intimate with someone or even yourself is very healthy! You need that attention. That release!!! I don’t think my mom and dad have an intimate relationship at all. He tries she pushes him away! I never want that! I love being intimate with someone even myself! (That is really hard to admit because again sex is a shameful act. Especially if you are intimate with yourself!)

My dad can be the most discouraging person. Recently I applied for an Assitant Spa Director position. When I told him of this (I was very excited too) he said “You probably wont get the job” WOW! I didn’t, but man did he have to say that? Did he? Why? WHY?!?!?! I want to know! Then when I told him I didn’t get it he was basically like “Told you!” He has been that way ALL my life! Maybe to him girls can’t do the things that men are suppose to do! I don’t know but that really hurt! One time be encouraging!

All these thoughts and feelings I can’t share with them. For one they will judge me and probably take my kids away due to being “unstable”. But MOM and DAD…YOU made me unstable! You have made into the person I am today with issue after issue!! It all goes down throughout my childhood! But you know what? I am fighting back. I WILL not EVER EVER EVER treat my kids the way you treat me! EVER!!!! I will always encourage them even if they want to be an ice cream truck driver! I will never make them feel ashamed about sex EVER! I will be open and honest with them about everything! Always! I remain positive and always will around my kids! I will not raise them in a negative environment and never will! EVER! I will never be jealous of my kids. I don’t care if they have a newer/nicer car/things those are just material possessions. I will be proud of them all the time! I will only give advice to them if they ask. I want only to guide them! Life is a learning experience! Not a punishment!

That being said I am closing! I know it rambling but isn’t that what a blog is? Rambles?!?!? :10800: