I feel breathless at night. It’s very wierd. I was lying down, and I’ve been sitting up for 5 minutes now and I still feel a bit tight-chested. It’s horrible. Especially as I’ve had 2 heart attacks in my time, though 7 years ago, and any unusual tight-chest or breathlessness unerves me. NB H/attacks were a result of an eating disorder, so I know this isn’t a risk now. It’s just unsettling.
My fella is making a chocolate pudding (at 12.50am!) as I type. He’s been very stroppy lately, and that combined with my hormones making me uber-sensitive, we’ve experienced some tension between us this last week. He says he doesn’t know what’s stressing him, and though there are several reasonable candidates for that title, he denies all of them. I for my part am starting to feel scared and stressed about having a baby. I can’t really be much more elaborate than that because it really is that simple. I was very excited and full of plans for the future until the last week or so, when I started to feel very pragmatic about it all and became quite alarmed to realise how cool my feelings toward the birth of my first child are. I’m sure it’s a combination of fear of the unknown and me emotionally distancing myself from it, but it’s no less worrying for all that.
Anxiety about the health of the baby has resurfaced more keenly than it has since before the scan (Dec 5th) Obviously the prospect of possibly holding our firstborn sometime in the next 10 weeks or so is pretty intimidating. Up until now it has been preparation, preparation, preparation but when you realise it could happen anytime from about 8 weeks onward, you realise with a jolt that materially you are prepared, and all you’re waiting on is the very near prospect of the actual birth.
I found myself cleaning the baby’s hospital bag and moses basket stand twice over very thoroughly with a mild bleach solution yesterday. I even branched out to the plastic coating of the nappy pack and wipes. Sad. I get these sudden bursts of nesting enthusiasm, which are followed by a day like today, when I couldn’t muster the energy to open a window! Tut tut.
I feel shattered and my sex-drive is 0, which are both good reasons to be trying to sleep right now, but the breathlessness and the nightmare night I had Wednesday have put me off. What to do. Guess I could play ‘Oblivion’ for a bit. I’m reading ‘Hester’ by Margaret Ollivant at the mo, and it is very good. But a bit of variety wouldn’t hurt.
Anyhow, I’m off to find some means to both de-stress, and amuse myself. Hope you’re all well (: BD