I havent ever done anything like this before, so I'm thinking I'll just write some things about how I feel, whats been happening.
A few months ago me and my girlfriend of 3 years broke up, it was mutual, in fact I brought it up. That isnt complicated, however; we have still lived together since that happened and up until recently I wasnt struggling. Just over a week/two weeks ago she had her rebound, I was asked to leave the house so it wasnt awkward for her.
The fact that I was asked to leave my home was bad, but by my ex so that she could have a fling made every minute seem like hours as I sat awkwardly at a mates place who was tongue wrestling with his new girlfried. Eventually I was told that I could come home, which was demoralizing to say the least, like I needed permission.
A few days after that there was a party at mine and the fling came over. I stayed in my room and got really drunk, unfortunately I got drunk too soon and by nightfall I was sobering up and wasnt going to sleep anytime soon. The music was loud and there were certain sounds coming from the next room that in context, I would not want anybody else ever to hear. I got on my computer and put on Gundam Wing, turning the volume up so much on the headphones that it was painful.
A few hours passed, and I was thirsty, so I was going to go to the kitchen, but in the hallway I was stopped and told that I shouldn't go into the loungeroom, stuff was happening. Then the later attempt my Ex told me to stay in my room until the fling was gone. I sat on my computer chair and looked at my facebook and saw a photo of my dad…
Im going to go off on a tangent here to explain this, I dont like my dad. I dont really like to think about my dad. When i first moved to Tasmania it was meant to be a fresh start from all the rubbish that was caused by my mum in court cases and what was essentially emotional abuse. But upon arriving he opted to move to an area that was mostly housing commision for the cheap rent.
My dad began to get to know the locals and started drinking heavily. This wasn't horrible, noone was going without at this point and I was in highschool and hanging out with friends most of the time, but then I started smoking weed and staying at home more, seeing how the whole house seemed to transform when my dad was drunk.
Strangers were rocking up at every odd hour, one of which was the most disgusting human I've ever met, he was dumb, loud, smelt terrible, everything out of his mouth made me think murder could be justified, and he had abused his kids and wife. There was rarely any food, the power went out all the time. I spent untold months smoking continuously, that timeframe was a blur, and that was the plan. This went on for some time.
I eventually left the house to go to a party, where I met my Ex, she saved me from the toxic environment and myself, and as soon as I could, I moved in with her and her parents. I tried to stay in touch with my dad but every time bar once he "tried" to visit, I would wait for hours before reading a facebook status about drinking with the boys. I told him how I felt about everything and he replied by saying that im not the best son either, so I dont talk to him now. Thats both my parents I no longer speak to.
So thats a simplified summary of that.. Back to I saw a photo of my dad. I started feeling the way I did when living with my dad, powerless, I started shaking uncontrollably and flipped my chair over and punched the floor until I couldnt anymore from the pain.
My Ex knew something was up and she asked me if I wanted to go up to her families for a small vacation. I went, and it was relaxing, though only when I was alone. On the bus ride up I realized Im not over the breakup, even though it was months ago. I felt pathetic, she was moved on, happy, and I was stuck in the past.
I told her a few days ago how I felt, I should have told her weeks ago, but I'm empty right now, feeling spineless. I can't say no to anything right now. Last night I cried for the first time in over 5 years, I cried for two hours and then felt a little better. I couldn't sleep so my Ex gave me a valium to calm down.
I feel like it turned to a ramble at the end, but this writing is for my benefit, I have trouble expressing myself front up, so now its here, and as I finish this, I feel a bit relieved.