Things seem to be always in constant flux and I am not sure how do deal with it.

Meeting truth head on after years of not dealing with it is a hard way to begin what I consider to be the best part of the year, spring time, awakening, new wonders and shedding of old habits. Admitting that the guy I love is cheater and a lair is not an easy road to follow nor is the thruth that comes with it, shattered dreams and expectations, shattered ideals, and broken hearts. I guess in a lot of ways I knew what was going on, but I did not want to believe that he could be that way, that he could not open and explore things with me, I guess I could not accept that I was that boring and that life with me was that lifeless.

I am not a person who lets life drag them down, I am the optimist and always looks for the silver lining in all things no matter how bad they can get or are and yet here today I find myself wondering if am any good at all. If I will ever be loved and cherished as I have thought ath I was, if love is elusive and just not for me. Like this is a cruel joke and I am going to wake up and all will be normal and none of this will have happened.

I got lasik eye surgery done today and he took me and we hung out but it was like he was doing me a favor, he was not doing it becasue he cared but more or less becasue it was what he “owed”me. I have never ever felt that from him before.

Now it is like he wants to drop kick me into next week and be rid of me so he can have the life that I guess I spoil and ruin.

I don’t know, all I know is I have always without fail lived by my HEART and my heart says tough it out, he does love you he just as to realize that we can over come this bump in the road and life can be great.