Hey, just joined this site, though i have a page on the anxiety and OCD websites to. I'm 19 andgot diagnosed with OCD, Social Anxiety, Depression and ADD early last year.

I was bullied all through college from the age of 13 to the age of 18. It had a massive impact. I was to afraid to change my hair, my clothes style or wear makeup. As a child i always wore boys clothes because i was a tomboy but was to afraid to change that untill i left school, due to the bullies. I once wore my hair down when i was 13 and i was bullied for it so ever since then I wore it in a constant ponytail untill i was 18 and refused to wear make up. I didn't get my first kiss or my first boyfriend untill i was 18 and 10 months old. This is why I'm so upset, we broke up 2 weeks ago.

Last year was my first year out of school, i had no friends and was very sad. I got a job at Briscoes, mum made me wear my hairdown and makeup,the people there were lovely and made me feel included and part of the team. Especially one boy who was 2 years older than me. I decided to make an effort and become his friend. Everytime i talked to him i was very nervous and had to go over in my head what i was going to say. However, we became best friends at work. He invited be to his 21st and i got a bit drunk (i have a problem were i can't stop, it gives me confidence, but i didn't get to bad that night) We ended up falling asleep cuddling on the couch. Things went from there and we started going out. The first few months were great. I fell inlove with him and he said he loved me to. I trusted him and told him about my mental disorders, he said he'd support me and be there for me. Over the next few months some of his actions began to upset me. For example, when we were at his he'd get himslef a feed and not ask if if i wanted something so I'd be hungry. Or he'd bring lollies around and not share. It was as if he was in his own world and couldn't see past that. (After we broke my work mates who have worked with him much longer said they noticed that about him a long time ago). I was to afraid to talk to him to his face so i wrote him a letter. He appolagised and tried to fix what he was doing. He fixed them but he was also doing other stuff so one day i txted him. He said what was upsetting him was that I couldn't tell him straight away. So i promised i'd try my best to do so. The thing is I'm not good at explaining how i feel unless its on paper or txt. I thought that the last week or two was going well, 2 weeks ago we decided hit up town with a few mates. I got very very drunk and the next morning he broke upwith me. His reasons being that he felt like he had to tiptoe around because he didn't know what would hurt me or not because i was so quiet he didnt know what i was thinking. He said he'd always love me and that we'd still be friends.

I've never been so upset in my life. I love him more than anything in this world. He's all i can think about. I wrote him a 3 page letter explaining how I'd always love him and that all i want is for him to be happy. We still work together every Tuesday. The first Tuesday I was sent home because i kept crying. The next Tuesday I was fine, we talked and I walked home with him, even though every second I wanted to pull him into a hug and tell him how much i love him. It will be interesting to see how tommorrow goes. Everytime i see him smile at work, i feel happines that he is happy but it also hurts more than anything knowing he'll never smile about me again and that he is moving on from me. I wish he'd say he'd made a mistake and he still loves me but I'm pretty sure it's over. He looks so perfect and I've cried nearly every day since we broke up and i find it hard to smile. I was always depressed and he made me feel happiness again, he was the first person to evercall me cute or love me, but now i feel I'm back to how i was if not worse.I feel like my life is over.

The one thing I'm grateful for are my Briscoe's friends who love me and try make me laugh. I'm glad to have friends again.

1 Comment
  1. FLora35 10 years ago

    Hi Sasha,

    That really breaks my heart. I know that the grief of a breakup for people like us takes on like the death of a loved one. I had the same issues as you growing up. I was never able to share any true thoughts with classmates- everything was pre thought.. I had a few friends, but lost them quickly because I would cry to leave and be home with my mother.  Once I turned 13 and was in the 9th grade, I met this boy Alec. It was honestly the one time in my life where I felt the most comfort and acceptance from anyone outside of my own family. I could talk to him without the anxiety and bad feelings… but not for long. Once I got comfortable with him I would scream at him and hit him. I told him once that I cheated on him, just because, even though I never would. I was very nasty for no reason, becuase I felt jealous of his family life and the way that he seemed to have it so much easier than I did. We eventually broke up after over a year. After our breakup, I could not eat , sleep, or stop crying for a very long time. I really believe I was traumatized. I did not leave the house for 4 years and would walk around high school like a zombie. We ended up getting back together after 5 years of seperation and stayed together for 4 years- just recently breaking up. I got my act together, and he became a college idiot, only caring about drinking and smoking. He was no longer the Alec that I fell in love with. He partly blames me. I'm with someone else now who treats me like a princess, but still… I get angry at times and have hit hm as well. Things started out great with my new boyfriend Justin 6 months ago. He's the only person I have ever loved since Alec. At this point though, I see and feel everything falling apart. It breaks my heart and I'm trying my best to get us back on track.

    Take solice in knowing that you were good to your boyfriend and did not do things to hurt him. All he wants is for you to be more open with him. Once he sees the change, I'm sure he won't hesitate to start asking you if you are hungry or want/need anything. Do you draw or anything? I suggest making him a card or draw your favorite photo of you two together- it can be goofy or cartoony even. He would probably crack up. I just made Justin a drawing of us at Dave & Busters (its a really big video game/arcade place that we always go to) Try to show him that you really love him and will do your best to make a change for him. He needs to know that if this is going to work he has to be supportive. Because if you're trying to make a change and you sense disapproval from him, its going to be a definate set back and make you feel like shit. I really hope that you two get back on track. It's not over til you decide it is.

    Mucho Love,



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