Hindsight- Perception of the significance and nature of events after they have occurred.

When I look back at the last 4 months, I can see many mistakes. I guess thats why we have hindsight. The ability to look back and find the significance in the actions we do. What a the reasons for my actions? why did I cut myself? What would have happened if i didn’t cut myself?

There is not just one reason. No one event has brought me to where I am. Its a collection of events that have helped me spiral out of controll. Yes there have been events in my life that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But if these things didn’t happen to me would I still be in the same place I am now? I think so. Would I be a different person? Maybe. But there is no point on dwelling on the "what ifs..". We can’t change the past so why let it continue to stick on my mind. I am better than this. I just have to remind myself of this.

I can be a better person. I know I can. Some of the choices I have made are not good ones. I know that. I knew that when I did it. Like when someone decides to start smoking, they know it’s bad for them, they know it can give them cancer, but they CHOOSE to do it anyway. When I first had a drink by myself, on my own, I knew that this wasn’t healthy. I knew that it would lead down a dangerous path, but yet I decided to do it anyway. From that first drink I knew that It was going to be an issue for me to stop. So why didn’t I? Because I’m into instant gratification. I want relief from the pain NOW not tomorrow, not next week.. NOW. I know know that depression does not have a instant fix.

So it comes down to choice. Do I choose to stop being a detriment to myself? yes.  I need to stop wallowing in my self pity, pain and hatred, and go for it. Be the better person I know I can be. So what am I going to do?

Well the first thing I need to do is see the therapist again. I know I need to do this, and I have to be honest with her. Stop the lies. Stop lieing to myself as that is the person that it affects more than anyone I know. There is NO point me going to therapy if i’m going to sit there and lie to her. I’m wasing my time and hers. Fear is a large controlling factor in my life. I need to sit back and ask "What am I scared of?" And alot of that is revolved around lies. I’ve lied to her already, and I was affraid that I might slip on my lie. So thats one fear taken care off. Another one was the fact that seeing her was like saying "HELP ME". I would think that I don’t need help. I would sit there and tell myself that I can deal with it myself. I don’t need anyone to save me. I try to push people away that were trying to save me. This was stupid.

The next thing i’m going to do is see an alcohol therapist. As much as I fear it also, for many, actually ALL of the reasons I feard the therapy. It’s again acknowleging that I have a problem. I have been in denile with my drinking, and the people that know me would agree with me here. I’m still not sure if i’m an alcoholic, but I know i’m very close.

I’m going to address the things I CAN change. The things I don’t like about myself, things like my weight. I have always used in one way as a protection barrier. I have also used it as like another form of punishment. Its unhealthy and I know that if i don’t do something about it, there are so many health risks. There are soo many things I want to do, and while i’m like this i’m not going to be able to do them. So this time i’m going to take it for real. I’m going to find a diet and stick to it. I’m going to take the dog for more walks. I’m going to have to find a pool or something to join, as I can’t do alot of high impact things with my knee. If I loose some weight this will help with my knee problems too.

I’m also going to try and stop drinking. I know this will be hard. I’m going two days now. I’m not going to deny that I havn’t wanted to. But I am. I’m going to try and go at least a week without drinking. I want to set small goals. There is no point me sitting here and saying that I’m going to not drink ever again. Thats rediculous. A week.. that is reachable. In a weeks time i’ll make a new goal. I have never been a big fan of goals. I have been affraid of failure. If i set the goal small enough then how can I fail? Baby steps.

I can now see why I failed in pervious attempts of getting well, or loosing weight. NO ACCOUNTABILITY. Zero. Nada. I would have no one to be accountable too. But now I realise that I am accountable to ME. I’m the one that has to live it. There is no point being accountable to someone else, they are not me. If I don’t do well, it doesn’t affect them. It affects ME. I’m accountable to myself. No one else.

There are definatly other things I want to achieve, but these three are the ones I need to focus on before I do anything else. Acutally its more the therapist and the alcohol councelling, and the weight is a secondary one. I have to start somewhere, and this is where I need to start.

This may seem like a heap of mumbo jumbo, but its for me really, more than anyone else.

I AM BETTER THAN THIS.

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