do you know how good i feel when i can make someone else feel better? make them smile or maybe even laugh…if i can make them forget their problems if even for a minute…how it makes me feel maybe i have something to offer…that i have some worth in this world…that in some small way i have redeemed myself or at least enough of me to still belong here with everyone else…do you know how bad i feel when im so beaten…so low…so worthless i cant even help anyone else or make them smile or anything…i cant be here for myself and all i'm doing is whining and feeling sorry for myself when all of you are in the same boat…it makes me feel ashamed…that i have nothing to offer anyone and i shouldnt be here if all i'm doing is hurting others….so i vanish….lost not only to you but myself…and i spend 3 days or more knowing that hurting myself is so easy…there are so many ways i can do it….but in the end the truth is this…i'm not weak….i never have been…and as much as i want the pain to end…i dont want the easy way out…i am so sorry for everyone ive worried or hurt…scared…and even pissed off to the point you dont want anything to do with me…i understand that and deserve it….i think the problem is i kept thinking i would turn the corner and depression would be gone forever and i could just be here making you guys happy…i realize now that when i say i fight the dragon….its for life…you dont just drop it in the trash bin and its gone….but if you keep fighting and learn to survive it….thats reason enough to smile…you know id never do anything to hurt anyone…im just swingin as hard as i can….i dont blame you if i'm the last person you want to speak to….but know this….i love all of you and my goofy smile and stupid polls are here anytime you need……david charles rosen
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