So here I am at 6 am.  Been up since 2 am.  I hate not being able to sleep.  As you all know I have been feeling a lot better for about a month or so and then yesterday it all seemed to come crashing down.  Nothing in particular happened.  I was just so low yesterday, and still am.  I have no money…when other people say they are broke they usually still have a little money but I mean in I am flat broke…there is maybe 22 cents in my wallet and I am overdrawn in my checking account.  I can't see my counselor because I can't pay her and I have not seen her for weeks.  I have only been to see her twice.  I am not even sure if its a good fit, and I will only see my current counselor/psychiartist a few more times before my insurance runs out on sept 30th.  I have been seeing my current doctor for like 3 years and I do not handle change well.  Not only have I started (barely) with a new therapist, I will also be meeting a new psychiatrist too.  I cry everytime I think about it. It is causing me so much stress.  The money thing is driving me over the edge too.  My car is completely out of gas, I am praying that I will have enough in the tank it get to the gas station when I get paid next week.  This last couple of weeks with no money have been so hard.  I hate money. I can't fill my scripts and I am not eligible for any assistance because I have insurance.  I can't do anything, go anywhere, my friends get pissed that I have to turn them down when they ask me to do something.  It doesn't matter why I turn them down…money…depression…they don't care they just get mad.  I feel like I have fallen more than a few steps back.  I am wishing that I could sleep for days.  Hell I am feeling very much like taking my life…to sleep forever…the possibility of nothingness, of not being in pain anymore is so appealing.  I just can't handle the stress and the pain right now.  I wish I had someone to turn to, everyone I know is sick of the depression and want me to just snap out of it.  If I could just snap out of it, if it were that easy, I would.  I don't even have enough motivation to make myself something to eat…I am starving and I did not eat anything yesterday except some chips and salsa…Man I just want to disapear.


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