So here I am at 6 am. Been up since 2 am. I hate not being able to sleep. As you all know I have been feeling a lot better for about a month or so and then yesterday it all seemed to come crashing down. Nothing in particular happened. I was just so low yesterday, and still am. I have no money…when other people say they are broke they usually still have a little money but I mean in I am flat broke…there is maybe 22 cents in my wallet and I am overdrawn in my checking account. I can't see my counselor because I can't pay her and I have not seen her for weeks. I have only been to see her twice. I am not even sure if its a good fit, and I will only see my current counselor/psychiartist a few more times before my insurance runs out on sept 30th. I have been seeing my current doctor for like 3 years and I do not handle change well. Not only have I started (barely) with a new therapist, I will also be meeting a new psychiatrist too. I cry everytime I think about it. It is causing me so much stress. The money thing is driving me over the edge too. My car is completely out of gas, I am praying that I will have enough in the tank it get to the gas station when I get paid next week. This last couple of weeks with no money have been so hard. I hate money. I can't fill my scripts and I am not eligible for any assistance because I have insurance. I can't do anything, go anywhere, my friends get pissed that I have to turn them down when they ask me to do something. It doesn't matter why I turn them down…money…depression…they don't care they just get mad. I feel like I have fallen more than a few steps back. I am wishing that I could sleep for days. Hell I am feeling very much like taking my life…to sleep forever…the possibility of nothingness, of not being in pain anymore is so appealing. I just can't handle the stress and the pain right now. I wish I had someone to turn to, everyone I know is sick of the depression and want me to just snap out of it. If I could just snap out of it, if it were that easy, I would. I don't even have enough motivation to make myself something to eat…I am starving and I did not eat anything yesterday except some chips and salsa…Man I just want to disapear.
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