Heh. Idk, but for the past few days I have been feeling really crappy. People I have spoken to about it on here have all asked the same question – has anything in particualr happened to make you feel urgh? But no, it hasnt. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened whcih makes me wanna sit down and cry – it is just life. Gerneal life matters such as family, friends, college and shiz is just getting me down. I am feeling really really really crappy. And I have been wanting to cut again. I have tried distraction methods – using this tangle toy I got when I used to be in therapy. I have tried writing a letter to vent out my feelings, I have tried listening to relaxing music…none of it seems to work. And on top of that, I have not been sleeping greatly. I feel tired all day, ansd then when it comes to sleeping, I dont drop off until 12am onwards. And then I end up waking early. And it is not becasue of choice, I just cant get to sleep. And the worst part is, I have to pretend everything is ok. Most of my freidns dont even know properly about depression, so they cant even help. And my mum seems to have forgotton all about the fact i was diagnosed with it two years ago. She always says 'stop being grumpy' or 'why have you got that face on you for'. Its like argh!!! You dont understand. I have to fake a smile ALL of the time, and it is shit. It is starting to slip. And then to make things worse, all of my family and pushing me into thinking about the fuiture. If I want to go to london I have to apply by the 3rd od december..that is not to long away. And Idk what I want to do. I really dont. I was set on going to uni, so I told all of my family. But now I have changed my mind. I am thinking of doing mental health nursing…but im not sure. With everything that is going on atm, and thinking about the dawning future, which I have no idea what to do in, it makes me feel like a bundle of crap. It makes me wnat to cut. If I do though, I have to be careful where bcuz someone might see it. So I keep thinking of where I could do it so it was hidden. I even thought of suicide once….but i dont think i will do it. I am just not feeling so great right now :/
If you read this…thankyou for reading it. And I am sorry it is so long, I just started typing all what was inside of my busy head.