The second time I lost it in front of someone was in front of my eldest sister. It was on the same day that I lost it in front of my Dad. She had gone home to pick up a few things and he must’ve said something to her about it. So that afternoon while I continued to potter around my house I got a knock on my back door and there she was.

She probed, but not too much – just enough to make me feel uncomfortable. I managed to shrug off her questions without revealing too much. At the end of the conversation she was no wiser as to what my problem was. We must’ve spoke for about forty five minutes with her trying to find out what’s going on and me trying to push her away. All very civilised though and I’m still surprised today at how long I lasted without breaking down or getting angry.

Just as she was about to leave however, just as the whole thing was about to end, I lost it. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move. I just burst into tears. But my sister was awesome about it, and she just held me. She didn’t talk to me, she just held me for about ten minutes until I had settled down.

After I could speak again we started talking about work, family, suicide etc. My sister has also struggled with depression, but there is so much I don’t know about what she’s been through. I couldn’t even say now how she is coping with it. I just don’t know her that well. Nobody in my family knows each other that well. It’s amazing how much silence can grow in a loud family.

After we’d been talking for about an hour or so my housemates started to come home from work. My sister jumped on the situation straight away and got me out of the house. We went to dinner at some Indian place and I was crapping through the eye of a needle the next day.

I haven’t spoken to her for a couple of months now as she has been overseas visiting family and touring Europe. Thursday morning I’m heading to China to meet up with her and we’ll travel the Silk Road together. I’m a little worried about it.

I never really wanted to go to China in the first place – I wanted to go to Japan. When my sister invited me to meet up with her in China I didn’t want to go at all. The thought of travelling around with my oldest sister didn’t really appeal to me, and I didn’t fancy China as a holiday destination at all. I wanted one overseas holiday this year and Japan was something I felt I had to get done. Even though I changed my mind I’d still prefer to go to Japan, but now I feel as though it’s my responsibility to go to China.

I’ve never had visions and I don’t have a lot of dreams anymore, but after my sister invited me to China I had this odd experience. I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep, and all of a sudden it was like I knew what was going to happen in China – like it had already happened and this was just a memory. My sister and I had both gone to China and she had died of Dengue Fever.

She’s had Dengue Fever once before, and if she gets it again she will be in serious trouble (as in, she’ll most likely die). I dreamt she died an extremely painful death with me by her side, and it felt so real, like there was no other possibility. However it didn’t feel like a bad thing, during the dream it felt correct. She died in her favourite place in the world and I was there to help her through the pain.

So I decided to join my sister in China to be with her when she dies. I had this dream well before I broke down in front of her, and now our bond is much stronger. She is the most important person in my life right now. Now it doesn’t feel right that I can allow my sister to die. I know I can pray about it and change the plan, but if I was supposed to change the plan then why did it feel so… right?

Tonight my grandmother’s life might also be in jeopardy. She’s been in hospital for almost a week having trouble breathing (pulmonary embolism), but today she took a turn for the worst. The surgeon’s are being called in as I type this, but I wouldn’t feel right going to the hospital. I’m getting updates via text messages, but I’ve decided not to drink tonight in case I need to go to the hospital (I’m not completely heartless after all).

I don’t feel anything about my grandmother’s situation at all. I try to feel but I keep coming up blank. That emptiness is always floating inside me, but every now and then I’m conscious that I should be feeling something else and this is one of those times.

It makes me question my vision as well. Maybe it was supposed to be a nightmare. Am I just transferring my own lack of self preservation onto my sister’s life? I’m sure she doesn’t want to die of Dengue Fever, and I’m sure it wouldn’t seem like a fitting death to her.

I wish somebody would tell me what I’m supposed to be feeling right now. I don’t know who I want to survive and who I want to die. The right thing to hope for would be for both of them to survive. If my sister dies I’ll lose the only person who has any inkling of what I’m going through, and if my grandmother dies my sister will be devastated. Providing the China trip goes well it would an awesome bonding experience with my sister, but I’m pretty certain that she’ll want to home straight home her grandma dies.

It looks like either way I lose. I’ll have to pray for both of them to live. This is such a callous way to reason but it’s the only way I’ve got.