Letting go is a beautiful thing – it’s very freeing. I am letting go of all the pain from past relationships that kept me unhappy. i was holding on to too much crap and letting it control me. And, that’s my fault; I can’t live in the past. that is, if I want to be happy. And, I’m happy right now. I hope I stay that way, at least about Bob and all things concerning Bob. As for other things, those are a bit harder. But, time has made things much easier to let go of.
And while I don’t think time heals all wounds, it does make them easier to deal with.
I’m realizing this writing thing really does help! It’s very cathartic. Granted, I still have my mood swings – I mean it’s only been a week 😉 But, slowly I think it will get better. I did stop smoking on saturday. However, I was so unbelievably cranky this morning that I lit up. but, I will be putting on patch very soon b/c Bob thinks that I quit. And, I can’t afford to smoke on so many different levels. Plus, I sure as hell would not want to lose someone b/c I smoked. when i was younger, I was with a guy who, well the end result was that drugs were more important to him than i was. That’s a really hard thing to get over. I understand the addiction and everything but it still hurt like hell. and, so from that point on, I would never date anyone that did drugs. Even if it was just on an occasion like once a year. And, I haven’t. But now, I’m the one addicted to something and I think that for myself, I’m better than that.
I had to call several places today so that I may find a faciility will give me my mammogram at a reduced rate. It’s not looking to good though. I’m not due until January but i’d like to have it all sorted out before then. Part of me is thinking, screw it, I just won’t have it done until I get insurance. but, I get antsy so I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. I could just wait until I have an issue b/c they never see anything anyways. and, it’s probably all just hormonal. And, I get so worked up about the tests – it drives me crazy having to wait for the results. And, I’ve been telling them for years about this particular spot and nothing. Besides, I think that I’m at a higher risk for a recurrence than contralateral and that I can tell easily. It’ll just show up like a pimple in my scar. I can’t have a mamm on that side and they say it’s really easy to see. I hate that side – it’s hard as a rock. I don’t think it’s the same as if you just have a boob job but then again i wouldn’t know as I didn’t have a boob job before hard and I’ve never felt someone who did. I should probably ask around for that though. it doesn’t look bad though, matter of fact, as I’ve been told by my doctors is that it looks pretty good, all things considered. anyway, after my last surgery which was in April, I told myself never again. No more surgeries if this one didn’t work for a strong amount of time. If I have any complications within the first couple of years, I don’t know if I can do it again. I’ve had so many surgeries as it is and each time there’s all that recovery time which seems to be getting longer each time. But at the same time, i don’t know if I could get over waking up to nothing. I cannot wrap my head around that one. it scares me. when I was first dx and i would go online to look at pictures, and this was before I found out that I had to have a mx, I had a really hard time looking at pictures of women who had had a mx. Matter of fact, I still do. it freaks me out for some reason. So, for it to be on myself, I just don’t know if I can do it. But, I also don’t know if I can continue to have these freaking surgeries. If I make it thru next year without any surgeries, it’ll be the first year since i was dx in 2006 that I haven’t had a surgery. and, I’m really hoping that there will be no surgeries. And, I’m pretty confident that there will be none. That may be a little celebration in itself! I’m more than half way there to being 5 years out. On August 2, 2011 it will be 5 years. I think maybe I’ll go on a little vacation then. Oh, maybe Vegas, I’ve never been to Vegas. Everyone seems to love it though. All ages too.
I have add too, if anyone is reading my blogs, you will see that I go from topic to topic. I can actually have a normal conversation