every time i try to do something productive i get angry and sad and quit. i've always been a quitter. cigarettes cant even addict me. i was trying to practice my guitar but obviously, i didnt get very far. it wasnt even like i was fucking up. i just get this bad feeling in my stomach every time i try to do anything productive. 

loss of motion, flashes of hypnopompic images still dancing deep, their pressing presence slightly out of conscious. warmth surrounds the tip of my skin, as though it's waiting to escape. mind refuses to comply with my requests to wonder, perhaps in a vain attempt .. to make it .. stop

its increasingly hard to think. im not sure that's a bad thing. i feel like, some kind of .. shell without a soul. huh. this is how i used to feel when i was on medication. i'd better make sure the water's not spiked.

no, i feel this way because i've already died. there hasnt been anything left for me in life for a long time. i'm lingering here without reason and without hope. theres nothing that i want, theres nothing that i can fathom that would make life worth living. there isnt anything that i want to do.  there isnt anything i want to know, nothing i want to figure out. nothing is worthwhile to me anymore. i just wile away the time doing things that dont matter. and i worry about the fact that i'm expected to be a living working member of society when i'm already fucking dead. there is one thing that i want to do, but it isnt productive. its actually probably a bit insane. i'd like to continue writing my inuyasha story, writing myself into that world, because i'm done with this one. the reason i wont do that is because i'd like to finish watching every episode (which will take me forever because that shits expensive and i cant watch it on adult swim with commercials because that takes away from the 'loosing myself' deal) before i continue writing it. i want to make it a continuation of the final episode instead of changing things around to fit myself in. even then, i dont know if i sat down to write, .. i'd probably get that same feeling in my stomach, even though it is anti productive. 

so hungry. i guess i like to eat also. except for im a vegan and a picky eater which leaves me with almost nothing. which is why i probably like to eat. i've been hungry since fucking august. i was a vegetarian since i was 7, but i upgraded my morals. would you like some cow puss with that cheese?

as for my initial opinions on this site, its alright so far. people seem really nice, almost genuinely nice. there isnt as much blogging as i'd hoped however. thats how i thought i'd get to know my imaginary friends. and, i must admit though i still acknowledge that i'm being paranoid, i get nervous when i get the email alerts that someone's written or something. i know that's stupid. i mean, it's not like you guys are going to reach through my computer screen and poke me in the eye. i think i'll start wearing sunglasses here though, just in case. ha. but i mean, thats disappointing. that i have such irrational anxiety that i get nervous over internet crap. its the fucking internet. 

every day it gets a little worse. 

1 Comment
  1. LeeLee 14 years ago

    try some blackstrap molassas with that vegan.  my cow just had to have that blackstrap to be healthy.   worked for me also.   OBGYN in Philly gave it to me first time and I was over being anemic in three weeks.  Take a TBS twice a day for three weeks, then whenever you think you need some.  Plantation, yellow label,  unsulphured at health food store is best. 

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