The pain seizes me. It starts in my heart and spreads. Now I feel it in my fingertips and in my toes. It makes me wish my heart would just stop beating. I can’t move. I feel like I’ve been paralyzed. I lie in bed and just pray to die. I want so much to live life like a normal person. I want to want to get up. I want to get up and get dressed and go out and get a job like any normal person. But I can’t. The depression is running my life now. Except for seeing my therapist once a week, I hardly ever get out of my pajamas and I never get up out of bed before eleven in the morning. Its hurting all my relationships. I never see any of my friends because I don’t want them to see me like this. I put on a face for my family because I don’t want them to see it either. I never cry in front of anybody because I see that as weak and I don’t want to appear weak. Whenever I go out I put on a face so that I will seem normal. But I can’t keep it up any longer. I lie in bed every morning, sad because I didn’t die during the night. I can’t do it anymore. In the last week, I’ve thought of suicide every single day. My therapist said to call him if I feel like killing myself, but I don’t want to bother him. I know he has other patients and I am sure he is busy. The only place I feel somewhat normal is when I am in his office. He can always put my thoughts and feelings into words. Why can’t I be normal?? Why can’t I live a normal life?? How come my brother is fine and I have depression? How come some people get major depression and others don’t? At times like this I want to curse at God for giving me this disease. I wish I could have cancer or something where the chances of me dying are good. People with cancer don’t have to live with near as much pain as people with depression. People with cancer have pain but then they are freed from that pain when they die. I will never be freed from this pain. Never never never never never.