I don’t even know what to do. Days pass and it seems like my life is turning into some sort of twisted facade… some sort of stepford wives routine that was never meant for me and is slowing eating away at me. The crying… everyday. Feeling alone, ugly and invisible… even more often. I try to be this amazingly strong person that I know is inside, though becoming more buried as time goes by… I just can’t seem to drag it up and am screaming at myself to not let myself become that person! The person who can’t stand up for themselves and believe they are worth more than this!
My husband sleeps, but what else is new? He sleeps when I’m home and awake, plays his Pokemon game or the dog when I’m asleep. It’s like I don’t exist… I’m just the money-bag nagging winch he has to put up with so that he doesn’t have to lift a finger and do anything for himself. Why would he want to? I cook, clean and take care of all the finances… what’s putting up with some nagging if you aren’t required to do anything? I know it’s bullshit. I’ve even tried to have a conversation with him about it though it always somehow ends with me raising my voice because he shrugs it off like it’s not important or him yelling at me till I’m in tears and don’t want to persue anything further in case he loses his temper and does something to hurt me. IT SHOULDN’T BE LIKE THIS!!! My insides are screaming at me at how ashamed I should be of myself letting my life spiral out of control all because I love someone who clearly doesn’t share those feelings. I just don’t know how to fix it. I sill love him for crying out loud and divorce is more validation that I have failed highlights another of the many poor decisions I have made in a matter of a couple of years.
As if that wasn’t bad, feeling like I’m a parasite feeding off of his dog, he has surfaced increasingly disturbing behavior that send warning bells off like fireworks. I found a video of him hitting a cat we adopted and then had to return a month later because "she couldn’t adjust and was too scared around the dog" (now I know the real reason she was so scared she pee’ed on herself rather than risk walking to the litter box). In the video he is slapping her around, holding her up by nothing but her tail and video taping her flinching at the motion of his hand. I cried and cried. What type of person did I marry!? I always wondered what type of person could torture an animal but then to video tape it? WHAT THE HELL!?! I confronted him on it and he says he was just playing and didn’t think he was hurting her… you have to be an absolute idiot to think her reaction was that of playing… I told one of my closest friends about it and she was mortified. It shocked her since she always has known him to baby his dog over me and the other cat seems to like him just fine… just hard to imagine him doing if I had not seen it myself.
Then there’s the issue of the ladies. Getting in touch with his ex on facebook who we had issues with before we got married. Telling some girl on facebook that he had sex dreams about her and dreamt they were dating. I confronted him about this as well and his response was that he thought it was funny he had sex dreams about her and wanted to share that humor with her. As for the ex, she contacted him and he was "being nice." I’M NOT AN IDIOT SO WHY AM I ACTING LIKE ONE!?! I know those are lies! Everything inside me screams that I shouldn’t trust him at the moment though somehow I have accepted those excuses because he is my husband and I did vow to trust him.
How much more of this can I take? I actually went to the kitchen today and tried to prick my finger with a knife, thinking the prick would release my internal pain and focus my mind on something other than this depressing existance I have allowed for myself. Then I scolded myself once again for not being stronger and letting him win. What do I do and where do I go from here?