I am incapable of letting myself feel pleasure. I spent time with a new friendthe other night and afterI am still feeling as if I did something wrong and Iam going to get in trouble for it. Spoken like the trapped little boy that still lives inside of me. She is gorgeous and smart, an attorney if you can believe that. We cuddled on the couch for hours, she said she was like that, needing to be close. My confusion started immediately for she has a boyfriend who I have met and enjoy talking to. Then again, the last time I was over to her house, he was there and did not seem to mind that she was cuddling with me on the couch right in front of him. I told her during our conversation the other night that I could not do the "two guys, one girl, sex thing." It came up in a conversation, not that she was hitting on me. When the wine ran dry and the deep conversations ended, including a hertearful breakdown lamenting the long distance relationship she was in (they see each other every weekend) she asked if I wanted to stay and that we could curl up together in bed platonically. I was so craving human touch that I stayed and curled up with this beautiful and soft woman in her very comfortable bed. I woke in the morning and kissed her on the cheek and said goodbye. It was early and a work day, she was mad we could not stay in bed longer, but went back to sleep as I left. Now here I am , two days later and feeling wrapped around the axle of my emotions, being broken on the wheel of self doubt and guilt. Guilt for that no matter what she has said or how laissez faire her boyfriend seems about her physical freeness with me, I feel as if I wronged him. I know that I would not be okay with another man sleeping naked with my significant other. Is that my ridiculous insecurities or they just different that I am? Are they more evolved, more advanced in some way? Or is it my seemingly absolute inability to let myself feel any sort of pleasure. And when I do, I chastise and degrade the experience. I stood in the mirror for as long as I could stand this morning wondering how in the world this woman could have wanted my hideousness next to her. Yet, she clung to me with a sort of quiet desperation as we slept. I am forcing back tears again as I am attempting to make this all make sense. I know that is was verysimply a kind gesture from one friend to share the warmth of another, nothing more, nothing less. Unfortunately, the entire experience is being filtered through my fucked up and very damaged mind, causing me tocriticize myself and in turn cheapen a lovely night. I am so lost. When will it be over. Soon I hope, soon. Living this life has become so cumbersome that I cannot even relish an unexpected and wonderful respite from the darkness.

2 Comments
  1. ennui79 5 years ago

    Honestly buddy, she sound more confused than you are…She sounds like she might also be using your feelings in order to pad her own….just how I see it man…good luck sorting it out…getting past your thoughts! 

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  2. elf 5 years ago

    I agree with Ennui79. She is playing with you. The boyfriend? I don't know about him since he saw you two cuddling on the couch before. Maybe they have an open relationship. But if they do, she should be up front about it. Don't beat yourself up over this, but keep your distance from her. It may feel pleasurable at the time and you may be craving any kind of attention, but she sounds like trouble.

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