I am having a tough day… been working its' way up to tears and anxiety and just a big old ball of failure for the past week. My amazing two little boys and my amazing husband deserve better. Everyone thinks I am fine and that I am this outgoing, helpful, force of positive energy in nature – taking on anything and everything and making the most out of it all… it is all a giant facade. AFter 6 years of struggling to keep the lights on and feed my kids I am tired. I don't have any anwsers and things aren't getting any better financially. I handle all the bills and after all this time feel like a cheat and liar when daily calls with bill collectors and monthly household utilities have heard the same thing for so long – I am sorry, I don't have the whole amount, I can give you a little, we just don't have it.

I coupon like crazy and spend 1/4 of what my siblings families spend on groceries… I don't go out, I can't take my children anywhere, I don't know how I am going to get their stuff for school – nothing. I live in a small town where I am heavily involved in the community and no one knows, with the exception of the water and electric folks, how bad it is at home financially and after all this time it has taken its' toll on me.

I have been crying while typing all of this and it feels good, in a sad pathetic way. I haven't let it out for a while because in some wierd way I have convinced myself that crying and feeling like a failure will only bring more negative to me… too much of The Secret motto's coming out in my thinking…

Haven't been on here for a while – don't have anywhere else to turn. Don't have any close friends other than my husband who is in his own depression trapped world, working a job that pays him hardly anything and that he cannot stand – but if it wasn't for his job we would have no food no clothes no place to live. I had a best friend but her moral character – true moral character showed thru a few weeks back and I was thrown in front of a bus and dumped to the side for a "younger, more fun, richer" person. No lie… that is what was said to me. That former friend has worse financial struggles than I and I didn't share any of ours with her, she though shared hers with me. Funny, but now that time has gone by I am happy that I don't have her drama and questionable charachter to distract me from trying to focus on getting balance and peace in me.

I guess after all is said and done… I feel like I am being smothered and that whatever God or Karma or Higher power that is out there just forgot about me. Pathetic right? Stop my stupid pity party Right? I know!!!! I don't know how because tomorrow will be like today… what do my boys and husband need to get through the day, what companies do I have to call or make a small payment to so they don't shut a service off, what can I clean or fix in our house that may or may not be taken away from us… and where can I keep applying to so I can have another source of income…. no one gets it… I don't know how to make any of it different or better.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. Does that apply to me? I am just trying to survive and get through the week and most importantly take care of my family.

If you read all this… sorry. I HATE focusing on me when there are so many others that are worse off and need help. Just don't know how to refocus and get out of this besides an act of God or miracle… I have prayed for that – a miracle, a sign that I am right where He needs and wants me – but it is just getting harder and harder…we don't have credit cards in our house and all savings were depleted long ago to repair cars and pay mortgage. Now mortgage is far past due, monthly utilities are 4-6 weeks overdue… and we don't go out. We don't go to restuarants, movies, I can't remember the last time I went to Target and just went shopping… without 100 coupons for food and spent only 20.00… 10 years ago before kids and husband Target was a pitfal… now it is just one more store that I beeline for the sale stuff and get out and feel like crap about… because I remember picking up things for the kids to surprise them… haven't done that for a long time. Down to 1 pair of flip flops and a 3 year old pair of black shoes that is wearing to have a hole in the bottom… not until writing all this am I starting to realize how much I hate where we are at financially. I had a great job… great paying… then the economy tanked, I lost my job to India, no one is to this day hiring for what I did before, and because I have so much experience with other industries no one will hire me for even parttime hourly work. Target, McDonalds, Walmart – none of them. I finally found a part-time job close to home in the mornings, but the money is like using a kitchen water faucet to put out a 4 story building on fire.

I am simply tired and sad… I wanted more for me and for my family and I still believe that we are good people who always try to live right and live by character… just don't know how to stay positive and move forward and still have hope it will all be okay…

Anyways… it will all work out right? Isn't that what "they" say? I'd like to have a forum with "they" and see if they have ever been in my shoes…