Its been awhile since I have writen a blog on here. Most of the time I like to read other peoples rants and what not…and try to be a support. Funny thing is I work with people directly and I am usually a fairly bubbly and outgoing kind of gal. I suffer from bipolar disorder and have dealt with this since I was about 18 years of age. The hardest fall I had was when I was 19….I tried to take my life over dosing…needless to say I ended up in the hospital and in all these programs because my parents felt that being home wasnt a good thing for me. So…I have been tossed around in group homes and what not. Over the years…I have learned how to obtain a somewhat of a quality of life…(at least it seemed that way). Recently……past few months……I have noticed a dramatic change in my behaviors and feeling very very distant. I have not been talking to many people…not even my family. I just sunk into this black hole….and I thought over time,,,i would be able to shake it off and it would be fine. Hmmmm,,,not the case….its been three months and I am still feeling,,,completely useless and cant budge. I go to functions and I feel as if I am a specimen…and people are making judgements,,(not literally) but I wonder what they are thinking when they see me. I know I shouldnt worry about what people think…or how they percieve me…or whether they approve …but thats just the problem I have at times. I feel like I am a blind person with no cane,,,feeling my way through life. Its been hm almost 9 years since I have felt "this bad". Sometimes…..I know I shouldnt say this but sometimes I wish I could just go to to sleep and just not wake. I go see my family for functions..and I get so quiet,,I dont know what to say……while everyone else is enjoying themselves…..I feel like a complete idiot. I ask myself what the hell is my problem….this is my mother and father,,,,and they are celebrating my birthday…..snap out of it! My mother gets so worried about me and I hate that…..I dont want to worry my family….for they are going through so much of their own shit right now….so I just kind of lie to my mum on the phone and say oh no no I am alright ,,things are going ok. Lord behold……you know how mums are…they "just know" when you are fucked up lol. I dont like telling my family I dont feel "right". My father who is bipolar himself….as well as my sister,,,,,but my father says I should just embrace my illness….ugh…….he makes sense somewhat but he doesnt understand. I know I dont talk enough…..thats a big problem I have…..to me,,,,,talking almost does no good. I am like any other person who longs to have a decent quality of life……I can sit there and vent vent vent….then its like,,now what? Okay I have spilled my guts out….I am supposed to feel better right?….Well it doesnt happen….then people throw pills at me……its like okay,,,heres the "candy" to help it make it all better or at aleast give some relief. So its like a gamble when you take meds too…..so many side effects and I am finding in a lot of cases,,,,some of these meds fuck up your organs…woo hoo,,,,,,,,so you have a choice…you can mentally feel better but your body has to fall apart during the process. Feels like you can win ,,,ya know. Now I am not saying all meds are like this….but most of them are just no good. I know I should have more friends….but when you come from a home growing up with abuse and mental illness there……your social skills suck ass…..and its just carried on into my adult years. Its funny……you think you know how to establish interpersonal relationships but in reality,,,you have no freaking idea how to do that. Same goes for relationships….ugh forget it…I have been in a few abusive relationships…so at this point..I am alone..which is hard as it is. Reality is……i dont know how to interact very well….I smile and stuff,,,help people..listen…but when it comes to talking about me……hmm i get all quiet and rather not talk about me. I have no friends…….I have a few people who dump their shit on me and I tolerate it and listen. I am not looking for a pity party or nothing,,I am just saying that..I am alone in this world right now,,,,,,,,,so it seems that way. I am trying to optimistic that this will soon blow over…….ugh…..I need to stop pretending and be real about how the fuck I truly feel. I feel society teaches us to put a bandaid over our problems,,,by use of food…drugs…sex…materialistic shit..and what not. Well I am done ranting here…..sighs…despite my garbage I hope you all are doing alright….even though I have a lot going on……theres always someone worse off.

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