I was driving to drop my car off at the garage this morning (yesterday, it decided it no longer wanted to shift into PARK) and I began to think of the argument DH and I got into after I told him I had to take my car in. Long story short, he was right. I've lost some of my fight. I thought of a similar complaint my mother had with my father–that he seemed to just give up, stop trying, stop fighting for things.

Since he died, I keep seeing all these similarities between us. I always told myself that I refused to live in my father's footsteps–not something most daughters say, I suppose–but here I am.

But those things can change. I'm not doomed or anything. This is my life and my choices. I know all this is changeble and so I'm doing just that.

I was also embarassingly late for my car appointment and I knew that if I mentioned that to DF he's just harp on me over it. I'm usually not late for appointments, but if I do something once or twice in the 6 years we've been together, he'll continually remind me not to be late for EVERYTHING for the rest of our lives.

My ex friend H and her (now 3rd ex) husband were CONSTANTLY arguing over her lack of puctuality, her laziness, her sloppiness, her immaturity. Every 5 seconds it seemed he was complaining or prodding or scoffing at her for it. Every 6 seconds she was responding like a teenager, with attitude and excuses. It was exhausting to be around them.

I started to wonder if I was turning into H–if it wasn't my father's life I'd been cursed with, but hers. And okay, this will sound silly and delusional to most non-pagans, but I started to wonder if all her snarkiness and jealousy and resentment towards me near the end of our friendship had prompted her to wish to switch lives with me. She wasn't above using magick for revenge.

This time around, my back problems would get worse, I would gain extra weight, my bills would pile up, and my husband would grow impatient with my shortcomings and eventually bail (that hasn't happened, by the way). And she would be the one in school (according to the last unanswered phone message she'd left me).

That was her situation at the point when I got fed up and stopped trying to talk to her–wallowing and making excuses. After countless hours of her repetative complaints and rants, I finally told her to get off her ass and DO something. We haven't talked since then. Can't say I mind–but H was vindictive and childish. After a while, I stopped thinking about her and stopped protecting myself.

One thing that's a must when dealing with toxic relationships is shielding yourself from negative energy–whether it's aimed at you or simply overflowing onto you. You don't even have to believe in magick or psychic attacks. The negativity of others has a way of eating at you if you don't remind yourself that YOU are protected and they can't harm you with their venomous thoughts.

I'm under no one's power but my own and it's time to act like it.

~X

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