Hello All,
I am a very depressed person who has been diagnosed with manic (bi-polar) tendencies. I have many situations (too many to list) in my life that prevent me from coping adequately. I have thought of suicide but I do not want to leave my kids. I don’t think that I would really be missed by anyone else, not even my husband. I am not getting the support from my so-called friends or loved ones. They tell me they have too much in their life to listen to me. I am experiencing issues with co-workers too so I feel that my livelihood is now threatened in a time where employment opportunities are bleak. I really am a kind and caring person, yet I am treated otherwise. I am very creative and artistic especially when it comes to music. Some people use poetry to get them through the melancholy, I use music; sad songs. I can not listen to happy songs; I feel worse (i.e. why can’t I feel that way). Listening to sad songs makes me believe that I am not alone. I feel very very alone. My sister is wonderful but she is busy caring for my ailing dad and she does not understand depression. She thinks like many others that I can just snap out of it. I really wish I could. I try every day to do that. It seems that something will happen to drop me right back down. I watch sad movies too in hopes to make me feel I have it better (i.e. House of Mirth, Requiem for a Dream). I have days when I feel I can fight back; fight for my dignity against those who walk on me. But then I lose; I can’t be mean enough or I lose my wit. I can’t think clearly. I am very intelligent with my work, but I am even struggling there. I have tried to make changes in my life; positive ones (job changes, make new friends). It doesn’t seem to matter. Life is incredibly hard for me. I can only laugh for short periods then my sadness kicks in. I would rather sleep all day to just escape. But even my dreams are filled with anxiety; I wake up every hour and look at the clock. I have a decent job with benefits, which I know I am fortunate to have. I still can’t afford much. And I am not allowed to take time during work to see a counselor. I have been criticized in the past for that by my boss. However, I really really need to talk to someone so I can let it out. I don’t have anyone at all. All I have is judgment toward my behavior; comments that I am too negative to be around. What is sad is that I get told this all the time by people that I thought loved me. This hurts me so badly and it makes me feel worse and worthless. I might as well be in solitaire confinement then I would not put anyone out. Your support group is my last hope. I feel I am at a point that I don’t have any other options. I am even crying while I type this because I am scared that no one will be able to help me.
Robi
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