I went to the Puppy Park with my dog today. It's one of the only places I can socialize without feeling really uncomfortable all of the time. I met a nice guy. I think his name was Paul. He was a theater teacher, and one of those REALLY nice guys without aspirations to ever leave the block he grew up on because he doesn't want to leave his mama. Actually he was from Rochester, NY living in NYC, so he was a bit further than a block, but not much.
It was pretty obvious that he was flirting, but I didn't make it very far. I had this nagging feeling in the back of my head that nobody would ever want to date me. If he ever found out who I really was, he wouldn't like me. Who wants to date somone that is only half functional and depressed ALL OF THE TIME!? (And who capitalizes words way too much in blogs and writes in fragments?) I froze. Badly. He probably thinks I'm a freak that can't put together a coherent sentence.
And then my next nagging fear comes up: what if I'm always depressed? What if the light at the end of the tunnel that my shrink and psychiatrist talk about doesn't exist? What if this is me forever?
It's bad enough that my personality type doesn't lend itself well to long-term relationships, and chances are that is somehow mixed with my depression. I have this personality type because I'm depressed, or I'm more depressed because of my personality. Either way, I feel like I'm going to be alone FOREVER.
My past relationships have been real hellraisers simply because I was always looking for someone that I connect with: someone who is also depressed. If you put two depressed people close enough together, eventually they'll suck the life out of each other. I don't want to suck the life out of anyone, so I stay away and it makes me sadder. This isn't working and I don't know what to do.