Hello All,
I am a very depressed person who has been diagnosed with manic (bi-polar) tendencies.  I have many situations (too many to list) in my life that prevent me from coping adequately.  I have thought of suicide but I do not want to leave my kids.  I don’t think that I would really be missed by anyone else, not even my husband.  I am not getting the support from my so-called friends or loved ones.  They tell me they have too much in their life to listen to me.  I am experiencing issues with co-workers too so I feel that my livelihood is now threatened in a time where employment opportunities are bleak.  I really am a kind and caring person, yet I am treated otherwise. I am very creative and artistic especially when it comes to music.  Some people use poetry to get them through the melancholy, I use music; sad songs.  I can not listen to happy songs; I feel worse (i.e. why can’t I feel that way).  Listening to sad songs makes me believe that I am not alone.  I feel very very alone.  My sister is wonderful but she is busy caring for my ailing dad and she does not understand depression.  She thinks like many others that I can just snap out of it.  I really wish I could.  I try every day to do that.  It seems that something will happen to drop me right back down.  I watch sad movies too in hopes to make me feel I have it better (i.e. House of Mirth, Requiem for a Dream).  I have days when I feel I can fight back; fight for my dignity against those who walk on me.  But then I lose; I can’t be mean enough or I lose my wit.  I can’t think clearly.  I am very intelligent with my work, but I am even struggling there.  I have tried to make changes in my life; positive ones (job changes, make new friends).  It doesn’t seem to matter.  Life is incredibly hard for me.  I can only laugh for short periods then my sadness kicks in.  I would rather sleep all day to just escape.  But even my dreams are filled with anxiety; I wake up every hour and look at the clock.  I have a decent job with benefits, which I know I am fortunate to have.  I still can’t afford much.  And I am not allowed to take time during work to see a counselor.  I have been criticized in the past for that by my boss.  However, I really really need to talk to someone so I can let it out.  I don’t have anyone at all.  All I have is judgment toward my behavior; comments that I am too negative to be around.  What is sad is that I get told this all the time by people that I thought loved me.  This hurts me so badly and it makes me feel worse and worthless.  I might as well be in solitaire confinement then I would not put anyone out.  Your support group is my last hope.  I feel I am at a point that I don’t have any other options.  I am even crying while I type this because I am scared that no one will be able to help me.

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