so I have not written a blog in awhile. thigs have been pretty good for a few months.  now I feel like I am rapidly sliding down into the darkness that takes over my life.  I am so sared…I do not want to go back to that place of darkness and nothingness.  I feel so empty inside.  nothing there but pain and lonliness.  this sounds so cheesy but I would love someone to just put their arms areond me and hug me tight, or hold me until I fell aslep.  no one here to do that.  that is pretty unlike me because I am fiercly independent.  The only things I can feel are pain and fear; and I will do anything in my power to keep those feelings as dead as the rest of me.  I have also felt out of control lately…sure that people are looking in my apatment.  I am struggling to not shut all the curtains and hide in my room.  I am sure thay are there and when I have the curtains open I feel like they are watching so I put on my normal mask and try so hard to be like everyone else…so they won't realize how messed up I really am.  This is all so frightening…I do not want to get as bad as I was before, I do not want to go to the hospital (again).  If my friends could possibly  notice (they don't notice much, they are all wrapped up in their own lives) the change in me for the worse they would all be dissapointed in me.  I feel so completely alone, empty, filled with nothing.  where is my soul?  where am I?  I think I need some help.  I have been thinking of suicide again with some frequency and seriousness.  I wish I still had my old doctor, I could talk to him about but I am not sure about the new doc or therapist.  I just don't know.  is there anybody out there?  help.  I can only think of one good solution.