I woke up to my alarm blasting calls that screeched “Get up, it’s another day. Keep on fighting.” As if to silence it with no hope, I smacked it lightly just enough for it to go quite. That air condition was freezing upon my skin, sending goosebumps all up my arms as I slid the covers off carefully. It was a Thursday, just another summer day filled with only hours, to minutes, to seconds that were all added up to equal one big pile of mush. Too many seconds in the day to think for me to deal with. My phone buzzed.
Climbing out of bed my back ached, head spun, and felt sick. This is how it felt everyday since two years ago. I was on a recovery from an two year abusive relationship. I had faced an eating disorder, bulimia that turned into anorexia along with all the abuse. Those three years were just hell and half of it I still couldn’t bring myself to talk about. Thankfully I had moved senior year half way through the semester to a different school in a different state. Although I didn’t make many friends, I had made better ones. My summer though just was too lonely. My parents were constantly arguing before school ended and my aunt’s cancer was a roller coaster of good to bad. My PTSD started kicking into full on gear too, but luckily I met someone who helped calm it.
This boy, the one who calmed it, he had become close to me. I had developed feelings for him and the boy had almost cheated on his girlfriend with me. I straightened him out though, but verbally this boy. This boy named Jason, would verbally abuse to me. He would harass and abuse me mentally, but then sooth me every time. It was this twisted messing around with me. At this point I was dating a boy, Seth. Seth was this cute, but dorky boy. He was perfect, safe, for me. Although I loved him a lot, it was hard for me to talk to him about my past, all the damage, all the skeletons in the closet. So as I thought about this all, I also thought about how lucky I was to have each boy in my life.
After getting dressed, I moved from my room and dragged herself to the kitchen. My parents were arguing, and eventually my father walked out and my mother and little brother took off int he car to go to their lake house for the weekend. I stood their still, processing all that had just happened. My phone buzzed again and this time I read the message.
“You want to come over?” It was a text message from Jason. I didn’t even think twice. We had agreed to help calm each other and today, that was what I needed. I needed the calming down. I was shaking the entire way to Jason’s house. When I pulled in the drive way, I popped some mints into my mouth. Then all I could do was sit crying and let the mints melted on her tongue, as soon as I got it out of my system I got out of the car and walked up the driveway to the front door.I rang the doorbell and immidetly Jason opened the door.
“Hi. Want to come in?” I nodded. He took my hand an I followed him into his kitchen. He stood and gazed into my eyes.
“You’re so cute.” He told me. The only thought I could think was,Yeah. Right.Although I managed to choke out that I thought he was cute two. Then, he leaned down and I stood up on my tip toes. He kissed me and I kissed him back. It was wrong. I knew it was wrong with dating Seth and all. I just. I was looking for a way out of everything and this was the wrong way to turn. Deep down, I wanted Seth to find out. I wanted him to hate me. I wanted Jason to hate me after this too. I needed pain and this seemed to be the most obvious way to destroy everything I had in my life.
“You sure you want to do this Truth?” I nodded. Then he pulled me by the waist and said okay, then kissed me again. We kissed in silence, but then he took my hand again. This time he led me up the front stairs, which led us to his room down the hall.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” I didn’t say anything. I just stood in his room quietly. He shut the door. I started to bite my lip.
“Which one do you want to use?” He held out condoms, things I had never seen before. I didn’t answer. I just stared into his hand.
“Fine. I’ll choose.” He picked one and put the rest back in his box upon his shelf. Then he sat down next to me.
“I’ll show you how to put it on so you know for the future.” He smiled and then started unwrapping it. Then he placed it on himself. I just blurred out everything, it was the only thing I could do.
“You should probably take off you clothes.” I nodded. He began to undress and took off my skirt then he looked at me once he was completely undressed. My eyes grew large and I could’t come to words.
“Hun, you got to take off more than that.” He then propped me on the bed and started taking off my clothes. I stared at him, again, nothing came out of my mouth. The only thing going on in my head was panic. He started to move towards me and I started to back up further on his bed. He pinned me down so that he was on top of me.
He started moving backwards and forwards on my body, a squeal that I had never heard myself be able to do let out. It hurt. The pain seared in my body. He kept going. And more of a whine let out from my voice. He paused and when he paused I could feel the pain searing in my spine.
“Are you okay? Do you want me to keep going?” He questioned, I didn’t say anything. I just lay there limp. I didn’t move an inch. He shrugged and kept going. This time he went harder and faster. The pain was mixing all around my body. He went harder and the more it hurt, the more my whining would turn into a a squeal. My breaths were short too. He paused again.
“Are you okay?” He looked at me. “Do you want me to keep going?” I shook my head no. I wanted this to stop. I wasn’t ready for this. I tried pushing him off of me. But as I shook my head no, he pushed my arms down. I could feel his grip clenching on to me. He started riding me more. Harder and faster. I bit my lip, trying to keep myself from letting the pain tear me to shreds. Every now and then a whining, a squeal would come out. For the third time, as if he cared he cared, he asked me the question again.
“Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?” I bit my lip and as I was about to shake my head “no” he started moving down and up on my body again. This time creating a searing pain by my waist and he pushed harder on my arms. I started chocking and that is when he got off of me. He left the room, leaving me their choking on my air.
As I was choking, I started shaking. I managed to crawl off the bed, get onto the floor and put my clothes on carefully. After a few minutes he came back. He frowned looking at me standing there, emotionless and frozen.
“I thought it was my mom. We done already?” Having the nerve to even ask, that’s what he said word for word. He threw on his clothes after waiting for a response from me, but me not giving him anything. There wasn’t anything for me to say. He had violated me and I was a time bomb waiting to disappear.
As we walked out of his room and down the stairs, I let my inner demon take over and cause me to fake everything for me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a skitzo. I just have this inner person in a way, that takes over when I feel like shutting down. It’s nothing more than that. It’s usually my last attempt of survival. That was brought about in my abusive relationship, but that’s a whole other story.
“Did I hurt you?” He asked. The inner side of me though,well of course you didn’t hurt me. You just had sex with me and asked me three times if I was okay and wanted to stop and all three times from the moment i entered the room, to the moment i left. I either said nothing and even during I answered that i wanted you to stop. Of course you didn’t hurt me. You helped me destroy myself. So I guess I can only blaim myself. But that’s okay, I’ll take full responsibility. I was asking for it. But even when I said no, did you listen? No. Even when I tried to push away, did you back off? No, you just held tighter. Yep. Hun, I am totally okay. You didn’t hurt me at all! Geeze. But instead, I let Haley, my inner demon talk. Her voice, my voice changed, confident and stoned like replied to him.
“Of course you didn’t. Did I hurt you?” Haley rasped, with a snarky tone.
“Uh,” He laughed. “You didn’t hurt me at all.” He laughed again. “Don’t think you could because it’s more of girls that get the bad reactions bodily wise.” Haley yelled at me and then shut me in my dark place. She numbed me, so I can’t tell you what happened the rest of the day as clearly. I can only tell you smells and vague noises. I was a time bomb and at the moment I stepped near Jason, was the moment I exploded.