"But the mind doesn't know you're only fooling.  It believes everything it thinks.

…If you believe you're not desirable, someone's gonna say, 'you are so hot, you are so desirable.'  Your minds gonna go, 'liar.'  …You're gonna tear him to shreds.  So, how would you know whether you were desirable or not?  It's not even possible."

"It would be like lying in bed and not wanting to get up, thinking my life wasn't worth living until a handsome man appeared, and a child, and all these things FIRST.  And then I'd get up."

www.youtube.com/watch

I've never heard of Byron Katie before but she was wonderful in this video.  6:10 and on really spoke to me.  Just about our mind-sets and stuff.  I understand everything she was saying and I know my thoughts are irrational.  I just don't know how to change them.

I had this dream that I was over this cute boy's house and his siblings wanted us to be together and they were really obvious about it.  They kept making comments that made us blush and laugh, embarrassed.  At one point his sister wanted me to lay on the couch with her to whisper about him when he was only a few feet away, which I refused to do.  But, even so, there did seem to be something worth talking about.  He did seem to like me, in a shy, sweet way.  I remember I was wearing this necklace and he said something nice about it.  He asked to look at it and he held the pendant, still attached to the short chain around my neck.  Our faces were so close and it was like he wanted to be close to me.  I didn't see how I could be making that up in my head (although the whole dream was made up in my head).  Then I remember, later on, spilling a drink on my shirt and feeling moritied.  Like some horrible, unforgivable slob.  Like I normally feel.

Now that I'm awake I can wonder if any boy would really want to look at a necklace I was wearing.  If any boy would want to be that close to my face.  Because I don't even like being that close to my own reflection.  Because I don't think I'm desirable.  I don't think that I'm pretty or smart.  I don't think that I have a great personality to make up for my short-comings.  I don't think I'm a good person.  The truth is I hate everything about myself.  My skin, my hair, my eyes, my nose, my mouth, my ribcage, my back, my hands, my stomach, my thighs, my knees, my feet.  I hate the things I think, the things I say and the way my voice sounds when I say them.  I wish I was invisible so no one would have to look at me.  I wish I'd never been born.  I wish I was beautiful.