This will probably be more of a babbling vent than anything, but right now, that’s what I need, and about all I’ve got the energy for.

Well, most of today I spent in a mood that I could not pinpoint.  It left me somewhat sour, and also a bit absent-minded as well as unfocused.  I had gotten up earlier than normal for a day where I did not have my morning job.   I actually was up and about almost soon enough to go to it had I been needed.  The idea was to get some Landry done before my evening job.  However, that didn’t quite happen.  I was unable to focus enough to really get started.  I’d flit from packing the laundry, to counting my quarters, to checking my email, to contemplating when I should shower, to finding something to eat, to re-counting my quarters, to checking my comics and finding a new one to read, to finally actually eating, to staring at the clock, to realizing I didn’t really have time for everything.  Eventually, I slipped up and read too much comic.  I admit to that, though, even though I was reading something that I thought was engaging, I still couldn’t stay seated for long.  Nor could I keep myself on task about my laundry or even eating.

Eventually, I was able to eat something and shower I time to be dry for work.  I made some food for work as I often get hungry while I’m there.  A pbj isn’t much, but it will do.  Up to arriving at work, I’d been in that sour-ish mood all day.  One I was at work, however, I was unable to focus at all and was even having problems just understanding what I was doing.  I often had to go back and redo what I’d just done (for instance my time sheet had to be rewritten, twice) and other times I just stared blankly at my work as if I didn’t even know what to do with it.

I never did get around to eating, though I did have a can of pop in hopes that the ‘fog’ I was in would lift with a caffeine push.  It didn’t though, and I drove home in a fog too.

At home, I was still rather restless.  I ate the food I’d made for work, and tried my nightly routine of playing some online games.  They didn’t seem to work as most of my friends were offline and those that were online were busy.  Something in my mood nagged at me so much I really couldn’t sit and wait for them to be done, though I didn’t even ask when or if they’d be done, I just saw they were busy and said nothing.

I then tried reading.  I often reread any of my favorite books, and was nearing the end of a current reread.  I thought, perhaps, the familiarity of the story would help me in my focus as I didn’t need to be absolutely focused to know what was happening in it.  However, the book didn’t work either.  When I was done reading it, I still felt some need to flit from one thing to another, as if there was something out there that needed me to be there and I, for the life of me, could not find what it was.

I tried going to bed, however that wasn’t a good idea.  My depression takes an agitated bed time with glee and before I could even turn out the light, I was already engulfed in a flood of self-destructive thinking.  Mind you, when I say self-destructive, I mean that my thinking patterns were only hurting me more.  I do not mean self-destructive as in suicide, however, I will not deny the fleeting thoughts of it that passed during that time.

During my bouts of self-destructive depression, I come across old memories and current feeling wadded up in one.  My mind will remember things that still hurt or of past instances that will never be resolved.  Examples include the rend between my best friend that I’d had for 12 years, to a driving incident where I’d been harassed by an elderly couple who had a decent chunk of road rage.  Many of those past instances would surface as well as what was my current situation.  My current situation being: that I’d not done laundry or dishes or any other taking care of myself except for a little food and showering.

At least I knew and could identify this out of self-destructive depression (though I wouldn’t be surprised if it was anxiety) and understood that it was currently what was happening.  However, I didn’t know what to do to stop it.  I tried sifting through my cell phone list of contacts, and ruled out almost everyone.  I’d gotten down to either calling an ex of mine who still likes to talk, or my old best friend’s mother who had stated that I could always turn to her.

Unfortunately, I called neither.  The ex, I didn’t think would fully understand what was happening with me at the moment and I feared alienating more people (as I’ve already lost a long term relationship shortly after having one of these episodes right in front of him).  As for the best friend’s mother, I was extremely nervous about how she would react to me calling.  Her daughter and I are rather angry at each other right now, and I would dumb not to think that she would feel a decent chunk of anger or resentment towards me.  Being in the mood that I was, I didn’t think I’d take it well if she did feel the need to fill me in on her assessment of my actions and her daughter’s.  I do know that she would be the type of person who could understand exactly what was going on with me and be able to help me through it while it ran its course, but fear kept me at bay from dialing.

I am, currently, for the most part past the peak of my bout now, though I do not know if I will have a second peak or not.  I’d call her now, but I also fear I wouldn’t be able to convey to her the frantic state I was in now that I’m calmer.

I know I am barely able to deal with these bouts, and I very much fear them and what they put me through.  I do not even know if I’ll be able to work both jobs tomorrow, and I admit to fearing calling in sick when I am not physically sick.



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