Lots of swearing and stupid shit. Im just venting in this so all the yelling and swearing i do is at myself. Im not looking for support or answers, not looking for anything so there is no point in reading it.

 

It could just be bull maybe it is. LIfe is just bull shit anyway. I dont think that there is any one here that could understand how i feel about what happend between my gf and me. 5000 miles apart, met once for a week, text messages and phone calls, i may sound like an ungreatful bitch and that is what I am so thats why i left her. Im all fucked up and she is the best she was gold and i watned more. 2 years and 9 months with text message and phone calls and out of the two years and 9 months iv spent ony a week with her in Real Life. Yea boo fucking hoo for inks. I love her, but im all fucked up, and I know that ill never be cured of this fucking depression, its all over this fucking website, its here to stay, and I would never want to put her through it again and again, put her through my mood swings my negative thoughts. What adds to the depression is having someone you cant have. After two years the words "i love you, i miss you" texted starts to lose it meanings. When im feeling down i just want someone to hold, someone to care about, someone to be with in Real Life, I have put it aside for two years and told myself that I dont need it and I can wait. Its a fucked up sittuation in my head. There are two sides and i dont expect anyone to understand it. I don tknow anymore if i should keep expressing my feelings or just keep them in, since it bullshit its all bull shit and its just me feeling sorry for myself.

 

Why would I put her through that? I should jsut fucking die then no one would have to put up with my damn complaining and me feeling sorry for myself. Thats all that depression is, its just people feeling sorry for them selves right?! Depression doesnt exsist.

 

There is no fucking point anymore. its in my head, its a chemical imbalance, its the lack of DHA, its the Sam-E, its the vitamin B’s, its the tramas, its the life style, its the support, its weather, its what i eat, its cuz im weak, its cuz im a fucking FREAK! Broken BROKEN! two sides to every fucking story, im just feeling sorry formyself, depression doesnt exsist its not real, im just weak and one of the lucky ones that got a fucked up head. Not strong, cant cope with anything, fucking BROKEN!

 

I never speak my true head, the shit that i think, who fucking cares anyway. Fake everything is fake. Nothing is real anyway. She wanted to work it through with me, and i wanted to protect her from me. whos wrong?! whos right?! it would have been wrong fo rme to keep her, ruin her life over and over again, break  and break and break. If i cant get over this, i this keeps happening this fucking feeligns of  "depresison" there is no point to life or love. I wish she’d understand but she is mad at me, i think its better i hurt her quick then to draw it out over a life time. everything is over. there is no point to this blog. broken. choices i have to make the choices, choose to do something, get out of the house, go do something or stay home. Choosing should be so hard, it shouldnt be so hard to choose to go out do something for myself, fuck the fucking anxieties and insecurites, why cant it be that easy? Therapist say it can be just do it, blah blah, fuck them, let them feel it, let them go through with it and do it alone, have them feel what I feel. Talk therapy, bull shit! its all fucking bull shit. fuck this fucking "depression". Im so fucking pissed off. I hate being like this. People would say well do something about it. Id say ok, iv done my research im taking my suppliments, im using the damn oils, now what? what else are you going to tell me to do? What about the anxiety? what should i do about it face it? i dont fucking know any more… "where do you feel the hurt?" "does it have a shape? texture? color? How much does it weigh?" "If it could talk, what would it say? Can you ask it why its there?" Such fucking bull shit! what the fuck kinda therapy is that?!?! I see them once a week, how are they supposed to help anything?!?! I dont trust anyone. If its supposed to help me its not, fucking qi gong, fucking energy work, FUCK IT ALL! blah blah its all in my fucking head, dont feel sorry for yourself im being honest. got it inks? dont be the victim inks.  haha fuck the therapy its all bull shit. stupid therapist with the tft, fucking ex gf’s, fucking ex bf’s, fuck my fragile mind, fuck my stupid sister, damn my child hood, fuck the fact that I was ever born! nothing could be worth the pain, i dont udnerstand. I dont understand why. why keep feeling this way. SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP stop talking stupid! good bye. get some sleep inks.

 

1 Comment
  1. Azura_Mikio 13 years ago

    It”s frustrating… all of it when you feel like you”re the problem. Depression is really confusing and it starts to f*uck with you a lot over time. I want to give advice but I”m not even sure how much I believe in it. You know, Inks, it”s alright the way you feel. Let it out otherwise it”s going to be like cancer inside and just well up and poison everything up to this point in life. But you know, the ones that really care keep coming no matter how much you push away. They know the pain and hurt and the frustration of it all. If one solution doesn”t work, there are always others. Not one solution can resolve everything. For me therapy and medication never worked… it just made things worst. So I”m trying to find this "drive" in life to live on no matter how grim things may seem. Maybe I”m just bidding my time but I don”t want to give up… not like before.

     

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