Sometimes I would jot in my journal; maybe stare into space on my way to work; I would write feelings of crying out in my poetry how I wish this were a dream. I’ve been depressed since I was 10 years old (that’s thirty years, now).  Although I learned to love myself and appreciate my blessed qualities and the fact that I found the love of my life and I have an incredibly wonderful son, the depression haunts me to the point of frustration.  It’s a pain like no other — like a never-ending abyss ready to swallow me up if I’m not careful… it’s like a stalker you cannot get rid of by simply calling the police and file a restraining order….it’s like a whole personality that you wish wouldn’t just pop-up at that wrong moment.  I love me, but I HATE this disease.  Sometimes I can handle it, other times I can’t.  I have already been labled an eccentric — but it sometimes hurts to be different.  I wish there were other ways to heal, but I’m told that my "condition" is chronic (which is where the frustration comes in)….and in all my so-called "madness" still, Jesus keeps me.  I never forget that God is always with me (so I am never alone), but I do wonder why He chose me to suffer from a mental disease?  Maybe to help others?  Maybe to understand myself? Maybe to dispell some myths?  I have no idea!  All I know is that I wish this were a dream…..I want to wake up from it and tackle this life without worry, anxiety, stress and fearfulness.

Hi! My name is Kels…..and I’m depressed!