Sometimes I would jot in my journal; maybe stare into space on my way to work; I would write feelings of crying out in my poetry how I wish this were a dream. I’ve been depressed since I was 10 years old (that’s thirty years, now).  Although I learned to love myself and appreciate my blessed qualities and the fact that I found the love of my life and I have an incredibly wonderful son, the depression haunts me to the point of frustration.  It’s a pain like no other — like a never-ending abyss ready to swallow me up if I’m not careful… it’s like a stalker you cannot get rid of by simply calling the police and file a restraining order….it’s like a whole personality that you wish wouldn’t just pop-up at that wrong moment.  I love me, but I HATE this disease.  Sometimes I can handle it, other times I can’t.  I have already been labled an eccentric — but it sometimes hurts to be different.  I wish there were other ways to heal, but I’m told that my "condition" is chronic (which is where the frustration comes in)….and in all my so-called "madness" still, Jesus keeps me.  I never forget that God is always with me (so I am never alone), but I do wonder why He chose me to suffer from a mental disease?  Maybe to help others?  Maybe to understand myself? Maybe to dispell some myths?  I have no idea!  All I know is that I wish this were a dream…..I want to wake up from it and tackle this life without worry, anxiety, stress and fearfulness.

Hi! My name is Kels…..and I’m depressed!

 

3 Comments
  1. jeneva5 12 years ago

     I hear ya- very well said!  Hang in there!

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  2. kels 12 years ago

    Hey Liz:

    Thanks for the comment below….it kinda made me feel better that I”m not alone in this fight.  You and I are so similar that I let out such a sigh of relief.  I”m a loner too….and I”m outgoing, smart, funny and folks like to be around me, but I cannot handle the closeness……I can”t get too close to folks which is why I don”t have many girlfriends (women are sometimes mean/petty/jeaolus and I”m none of these, so I”m very careful about picking friends).  I trust my husband implicidly, but sometimes I feel like it”s better to just pray than speak my heart.  Prayer definitely works for me.  I agree with you about the "loner" thing, though.  If I”m feeling down (like right now), I”d rather stay home because no-one will understand my moods.  It”s like I”ve been keeping a secret for years and years.  It”s very weird.  But THANKS so much for commenting….I guess this site will encourage me after all….

    Peace,

    Kels.

     

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  3. kels 12 years ago

    HI Jeneva!

    Thanks for the encouraging comment…..gurl, I”m trying to hang in there!  I know Who is in charge…….

     

    Thanks,

    Kels.

     

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