So, today hasn’t been as good or as easy as other  days have been, recently.  Not every day can be those things, but I try to catcjh myself before I act on any of these negative feelings.  Impatent feelings…  wanting smack… 

I do have a general sense of lethargy – lately I wake up too early, and can’t get back to sleep.  I’ve been able to shake off the affects of this until today.  Today, I am exhausted.  Just dragging my ass around, which, of course, feeds my procrastination.  So many important things to do.  I will try to get to most of it when I no longer have two guests – Maria and Ben are both here, right now.  Ben will be here until tomorrow – so ready to have my apartment back.  He’s a great guy, but he can start to act sort of…  entitled, after a while.  He comes out here with no money and expects us to pay for everything, and that’s not even the biggest deal – I just feel like he expects me to get him anything I get myself.  Over the course of a week, that adds up – buying an extra serving of take out at every meal, and an extra cup every time I go to Starbucks.  I have tried to tell him I am poor the past couple days, hoping he will get the hint, and cost me a little less (haha).  I know I’ve long since repaid any debt I owe him (I gave him a place to live for nearly a year, all told, when he was down and out), but he was there for me when a lot of people would’ve walked away – he tried hard to take care of Charlie and I, when we were at our sickest,, physically, and our poorest, financially, and that counts for a lot.  But, he always wants my full attention, even though he has been here since last week.  He makes jokes that he REALLY should not make.  Like the whiny jokes he just made, because I am paying attention to the pc – i have other things I need to do.  Whatever, it’s not a big deal.  I am just venting a little because I do not feel right today and don’t want to snap one anyone in the reality around me.

Rocking out to Modest Mouse, and hoping for the best, in general – I am contemplating my lease, a return to college, and the housework that needs to be done. The sky in Chicago is gray, and the air is much colder than you’d expect in late June.  There are trees lining evert street in my neighborhood, and on my corner there is one that rains hundreds of little white flowers at this time of year.  You could have a perfect moment standing under that tree, or on Loyola Beach – the beach in Rogers Park is the only street-end, lake access in the city – every other beach is divided from the neighborhoods by Lake Shore Drive.  It gives the beach here a completely different personality.  People paint the bench walls every spring, and the beach itself is never too crowded, like a tourist beach.  I love to jam out there – people appreciate the music.  There’s a spot where I love to swing, and look out at the lake.  The last time I was there, I even slid down a slide, haha.

Am I too broke for a frappacino?  Probably…  but, will I get one?  Probably…   frappacinos and pizza are probably the two forces keeping me from losing any weight – i have been feeling especially fat.  Could be PMS – rationally, I am pretty sure I look the same.  I will post a new pic when my regular pc is back up and running.  Hopefully, I will find the time to fix it today, or tomorrow.

It’s been an expensive couple of weeks.  I got used to finances just seeming easy by comparison to being doped up, and flat broke – obviously, sh*t happens, even when you are doing the right things, and sometimes a lot of it happens at once.  We’re actually a little screwed for money, at the moment, and paying the rent on time looks shaky.  But, I am confidant I will figure something out.  I always do.   

2 Comments
  1. Somecure 11 years ago

    Omg, can I relate to the idea of people who take advantage of what I have to offer especially when it comes to money.  My nephews who are in their mid twenties and early thrities would let me spend my last dime on them all the time.  Being on Social Security Disability usually means a person doesn”t have money too spare.  They just don”t get it…they got used to me spending money on them when they were younger and never grew out of it…no matter how broke I was or am.

    Sorry too hear you are having some lethargy today and are not feeling more upbeat.  From where I stand, you sound like you are handling it with unimaginable perseverance.  I”m really proud to know you Kit.  What you have been through and are going through are not simple stubling blocks by any means.

    Stay strong Kit.

    Love,

    Don

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  2. kels 11 years ago

    You do not need extra baggage to drain you….it”s already hard dealing with what you have now.  I had "baggage" once, but in order for you to move on and make your life a little easier….the extra baggage my go and find his own way…

    You are a beautiful sistah who writes beautifully…….start writing some wonderful attributes about yourself….You DEAL WITH YOU!  It”s all about you, girl…

    Kels.

     

     

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