My mother -in-law is dying of cancer that was discovered a little over 4 weeks ago in her gall bladder and is actually in her entire digestive system. She has a blockage in her stomach or intestine that is keeping her from allowing the feces to pass so it is coming out of her mouth. So is bile. She is in so much pain.

So I sit here in her Hospice room doing the overnight duty of making sure she is not left alone in her final days of life. Shocked that in 4 weeks a person can go from cantankerous and ornery to unable to get out of bed and incoherent. The cruelty of life is amazing and I just don’t understand the why's of it. God is a major part of my life yet I am not sure it is for her. That is so important to me, yet if our lives and our walk is a testament to our salvation, then I am afraid that my mom will not be going into his arms at the end of this very painful process!

Yet I believe all it takes is her breaking down even at the last minute and asking for forgiveness. He is such a loving and Awesome God he will forgive, Right?

So you are probably wondering why I am writing about, this if you have ever read any of my other blogs. … Well this is where my mind goes… I cried today when she started trying to give me things that are hers. I told her that I only ever wanted her love and friendship and that I only wanted her to be a better person. That I loved her and I would be there till the end. I was there the moment her mother died and I want to be there the moment she dies.

Sometimes I wish I could take her place! Other times I think the pain she is going through is for every time one of her children went to bed hungry, or had dirty clothes to wear to school, or had their own brother molest them, or was getting beaten and NO ONE was helping. I hurt so much for the ones she wronged, and I hurt for all the wrongs she has had done to her and to know that in the end it doesn't matter!!!

In the end we just die! We go through pain and indignity, and shameful moments, and there is nothing we can do but lay there and take it, (!) because at this point all our fight is gone and we are praying for death and relief.

Now that is so ironic because I am not at that stage. I do not have some incurable disease. I have depression, I have life with two children, I have dissociative identity disorder, and I have PTSD, yet I pray for death every day. Sudden instant death. I will settle for the return of the Lord, but if that is not going to be soon then i want out. Why?

That is a good question. I sometimes know the answer to that and sometimes I don't. Today it is because i sit here looking at this woman going through all this physical pain and having morphine being pumped into her every few minutes and I can honestly say that there is no amount of drugs or alcohol or anything that can take the pain and anguish away that I have in my heart from what the men and some woman have done in my life since I was about 6 mo or 1 yr old till about 2 yrs ago !!

The physical, the mental, the sexual, and the verbal abuse I have suffered has scarred and broken me in so many pieces that I have been working for two years to pick them up and I have barely scratched the surface of the pain.  I daily struggle with living, deciding will/can I be healthy today? Can I get out of bed and be a good mom? It all comes down to choice and some days I have to admit I dont have the strength or the ability to make a good choice. Somedays something over powers my mind and I lash out like a child and i do very harmful things to myself. Other days it is as if nothing happened or anything is wrong.

To my mom I want you to know that eventhough for 15 years you have been in my life and I divorced your son I did not divorce you. You choose so many times in your living life to not include us because it was not convenient to you, but for the last couple of years we have been friends and i will be here for you as I always have been, Someone to listen, someone to lean on, and someone to love you no matter what!! I pray that you accept Christ and that he takes you soon so your suffering comes to an end!