Kind of hit me today, that it has been a long time sense I have felt safe. So I got on the computer and have looked to try and find a place to land. This place looked the best. I could browse the forums when i am feeling social or come here and vomit my words on a personal blog. Guess which one I chose today? I guess that is fine. I can feel myself in the downward spiral. I am thinking how easy I am to leave or ignore. I have finally come to the conclusion that it is me. When everyone I try to trust or put a give and take friendship in. Leaves. And they leave me so damn easily. Husband cheats, not sure if he is staying for me or the kids. Dad remarried and really doesn't want much to do with me. Let's me know that he doens't approve of anything I am doing. Friends that I did my best to support aren't there when i need them. I am talked over and around at work. I used to think if i was the best I could be, and did my work, and didn't cause any trouble. I would find people that would be friends with me. I invite them over for coffee or out to lunch and am ignored, while they make plans with others around me. The only people i trust really are my kids and well i don't put anything other than them being kids on them as thye are so young. I want them to grow up strong and healthy. I used to try and tell myself I would be okay alone…well I really am not. I am so tired of being left behind and made to feel less than. And I am so embaressed for feeling this way. This self pittying crap. Make me feel like a whinny litle whimp. Which Is why I don't say it out loud to anyone. Not sure anyone would listen even if i did.

1 Comment
  1. MerchieDiver 9 years ago

    Thanks Steve, I will look at that.  I Was in such a weird place yesterday but it helped ot get my thoughts out. Thank you for reading and replying!                                                                                                                                               My Husabnd and I both follow different paths and as we live in an entremely small town, I have been a solitary practificoner for several years now. I don't mind it.




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