I'm sick of being surrounded by miserable people. Why is it that I cannot make normal female friends? What's wrong with me that the only females I can connect with are bat-shit crazy?
I get depressed. I get very depressed, but even in my darkest periods, I never let go of the hope for things eventually getting better. Even when it FEELS hopeless, I keep telling myself that it's not, because I can't afford to let depression drag me to a place I can't crawl out of.
It upsets me that all of my closest female friends never care enough to get better. Is it simply that I lack the ability to let myself go? I care to much about how I present myself to wallow or act out at my age?
I'm so afraid of remaining at that level of despair that I try everything in my power–from excercise to vitamins to Wicca to gardening to writing to arts and craft, etc–to keep my head above water. I smile when I want to bawl, and crack off-colored jokes when I want to scream.
I offer sensable advice when I desperatly need a shoulder to cry on. Well, I'm sick of it.
H would bitch for hours about her ex husband(s) and all the terrible injustices they'd put her through. She ignored my advice and continued to attach herself to jerks without reservation, only to turn around and whine about how men were dogs. Not once did she ever wonder if I was ever going through anything. I stopped talking to her almost 2 years ago because I was disgusted by her total lack of self-esteem and the way she was trying to make me responsible for her self image. I can only lift you up so much.
E was harder to walk away from because we were like sisters since the age of twelve. I can't get through to her. She's living with this ex-con, drug dealing creep. They're either making out in public or fighting in public. They hit eachother and deny eachother privacy–even showering together and using the toilet when the other is in the room–they think that means REAL LOVE. They hit eachother when they fight and the arguing goes on…and on…and on…When talking in private E will suddenly burst into tears, but when offered help, it's shrugged off. She seems to enjoy the drama. It's like a game. This was NOT the person I grew up with so I bailed.
Now another long friendship is getting close to its end. S has been in and out of the hospital for the past month or so with depression. She lives with the father of her 4 year old. The kid was the result of a drunken one night stand and S has been trying to make a family with a guy who never wanted her in the first place. They fight. They hit. Somebody moves out (usually S), family or friends take her in and then she turns around and goes back to the same guy and the cycle begins again. This time it feels like she's bragging on Facebook about being homeless–refusing any help from friends and posting about how she'll just sleep in her car and that's okay with her.
When is enough enough? When is it time to wash your hands of another friend's drama and say "Your lack of effort to better your life is dangerous to my emotional well-being. Your negative energy is poisoning me."
Maybe this makes me terrible at being a friend, but I don't have this problem with most of my guy friends. (Okay, just one, but he's disappeared of his own accord.) Some people think that being a friend means sticking with them through all this stuff, but self preservation dictates otherwise.
Misery will have to make do without my company.