So its my first visit with the psychologist today. Ive realised i have made a habit out of finding a psych, going to the first session, not liking them so never coming back. So i hope i like this one. 

I have been wanting to see one for a while now, and now that i finally am, i dont want to talk about anything. I dont know why, but i feel like they wont understand, and ive never been one to share my burdens. Like, ill tell u my problems, but not the core of it, not how im really feeling, ill sort of give u the brief, hell i dont even cry. I was thinking about that this morning, why i dont cry. I think its cos once i start crying all the pain comes to the surface, and to show the tears and the pain is a weakness i could not afford to show through my childhood (not for the reason your thinking) and i cant handle that much pain all at once. BUT i think more because it has become habit now not to cry or show any emotion other than the good ones. And so even when i am seriously hurting inside, i look better than fine on the outside, smiling and joking and playing around. 

I have never really had anyone i could talk to about my problems either, ive never been one to have close friends or BFF, i had 2 during highschool, One i betrayed, the other i took for granted then she passed away, see kids, hang around with the popular kids u then become like them, and ur thinking changes, suddenly you think you deserve everything and that your better than everyone. God i regret so much from high school. If i could go back, I would fix everything. 

woah….i just had flashbacks….crazy….I miss my 16yr old body lol

well..having no more to say without letting you in, ill be off.

Wish me luck!