I’m turning 21 on the 8th. Normally I guess you would be excited to turn 21, but I’m not. I feel like this birthday just underlines how far I am from what I want. If I were able to wish up a 21st bday I would say having a party with friends/going out to a bar….something momentus to mark my last big birthday(that I’ll be looking forward to). But all my "friends", I don’t really have any. The ones from highschool I can scrounge up, I feel like they’re luke warm with me. They don’t like to party or drink or get a little wild. So, I don’t know, it’s whiney but I wish I had a birthday, just once in my life where people recognized it, really. I’ve always had summer bdays so no one is ever around, and it sucks and it feels like noone notices you.
I guess I feel sad also because of this boy, which is dumb, that I would invest any of my emotions in someone who I haven’t seen in person since before thanksgiving break. I guess you always think that the guy you like at the present, it’s different or more special, but who knows how I would look back on this in a year. This boy, that I met, had, lost, reconnected with, lost again and finally made some kind of contact with, he’s probably not actually as special as I feel he is. Although he’s waited for me when I left school and wants to see me when I get back…what does that mean? Maybe he’s just lukewarm on the subject. I think I’ll know soon after I get back to school, where he is. I want a commited relationship, and that’s what he’s told me he wants. If that’s not it, if he doesn’t make the steps to lock it down, I’ll drop him like it was nothing. Even though it was a lot at the time. It’s pathetic, but when people talked to me about transfering instead of going back, he was one of the things I thought about. ugggh.
I read that book, "He’s just not that into you" which, was a lot less enlightening than I thought it would be. It could have been done in like two chapters, but it’s sad reading it because it just highlights all these guys that will not be into you, guys that you meet and there’s the feeling like it could be something, and you’re basically just the backup for him, "if I can’t get anything better". Reading that book makes me feel like that’s all there is, this sea of guys with all this power over you. I’ve been without real human contact for months, and I have such a longing to really connect with someone, trust someone again. I just feel like I’ll never find that.