So I’m here. Not unexpected really. I didn’t go to school again. I can’t bring myself to go to classes anymore. I can’t bring myself to do anything anymore.
I went to bed at around Midnight. Mum woke me up at 7am to see if I was going to school. I went back to sleep until midday, read a chapter of my book. I couldn’t keep my concerntration on it. I went back to sleep until 2:30pm.. and here I am. I have left my bedroom once to go to the bathroom an thats it. I actually brushed my teeth for the first time in days.. That felt nice.
I havn’t been able to bring myself to have anything to eat. I don’t want to eat. While I do feel physically hungry, I the thought of food just makes me feel sick. Its the same with drinking. Even just water, I sipped a tiny bit, it hit my stomach and It felt awful. My mind is just not up for it.
Mum brought me back a soft drink when she went out before she went to work. It sits unopened in the fridge. I’ll make sure I tip it down the sink before she gets home.
I’m alone in the house again today. It doesn’t faze me.
Last night I went into the backyard late, I think it was around 11pm and just sad in the cold looking up at the stars. I wasn’t actually looking, more staring. I wasn’t focused on anything. Thats what I have been doing alot. Looking but not actually looking. Not registering anything that i’m looking at. I simply can’t focus. Everything is a jumble of everything. My mind simply wanders.. thoughts of self harm and suicide mostly. Thoughts of what would happen if I ended up back in the hospital. Thoughts of what would happen if I were to OD on the pills that are in the house. It’s not healthy, yet I can’t think of anything else. I’m here physically, but my mind is somewhere else. Lost in the vastness of space. Somewhere cold and dark. Uninhabited…lost.
I have this feeling that there is something across my forehead. Like a pressure that is sitting there. Like someone is pressing on my forehead. Its strange.