this is mi first time doing this. i'm not sure what to say except i'm done, as said in the title. i've tried to feel better. i've tried to be an optimist but it doesn't work. nothing does. someone, somewhere is reading this probably. i don't care if they're creepers or bitches or nice people. i don't care. i'm going to get this out. does anyone know how hard i've tried?? well, of course not. you don't know me. let me tell you about me. i'm young but not living wild and free. i've been depressed the majority of mi life. i've cut, i've self-medicated miself, and i've tried the whole therapy thing. let's just say this : nothing works. i can't open up to a therapist. i switched therapists twice and nothing changed. who wants to have the gut feeling that this is weird? i had that gut feeling. i mean someone is getting paid to talk to you about why things are so messed up. a stranger is. does anyone else find that insanely creepy? i do. when i'm at home i just sit in bed or in front of the tv, wishing. that's all i'm doing. wishing. wishing for an alternative. everything i say or do seems wrong. it's cause i am wrong. i can't do anything right. ever. i cut to feel some form of pain that's not captivating mi soul. i took pills to be completely out of it all. i just woke up and cried. i wish i would just drown in mi tears and die already. i'm not quite sure why i haven't commited suicide except that it has something to do with the fact of what people would think. how lame is that? i can't die without worrying what someone will think. i can't do anything right. i starve miself constantly. this year i thought i was done. i tell miself to eat, but some part of me still checks the calories and mesures the milk i put in a cup. some part has this sick desire to admire mi collar bones and mi rib cage protruding outwards. it's a habit. i can't quit. so now i'm back to it. i know it's gross and sick but i can't stop. i'm disgusting, i'm depressed. i have nothing. mi family is no help. if anything, i'm depressed because of them and if i do commit suicide, i'd be sure to let them know that. i have this anger and hurt. i've been taken advantage of and disappointed. tonight i'll go to sleep with an empty heart and soul plus an empty stomache. the guy i love, used to love me. he was incredible. he gave me all i wanted. he was sweet. but i drove him away because of mi depression and failure and hurt. now he has "her" a her who doesn't want him talking to me, a her who controls him. a her who took away mi best friend. i have nothing at all. i have these words on this screen and a broken heart. someone piece me back together? no, didn't think so.