I had a relatively good day. I was able to clean the house, get some things done that I have been neglecting for a while. I kind of feel like the depression I have been in for so long is starting to lift a little bit and I find that kind of sad because it seems like the more time I spend away from the one person whom I thought was my best friend is actually making me feel better. I guess I am starting to wonder if maybe she wasn’t that good for me after all. My partner, Gavin, and I haven’t been fighting as much and I know that in part is because I am not talking to my ex bff. He never really did like her. He kept telling me that she was very self-centered and controlling. If she didn’t like something about me she would tell me how to change it, how to act and think and speak so that I fit her image of what her best friend should be like. Gavin didn’t think that she really cared about what was going on in my life as long as I was there for her so that she could lean on me and complain about the problems that she was having. I kind of see this now even though I was really blind to it before but yeah, whenever I would have a problem suddenly I was being over dramatic or constantly complaining or using my illness as a crutch etc etc etc…. Her constant nit picking got old really fast and now that I don’t have to deal with that anymore I am able to deal with my own issues better instead of being stressed out over her daily whining about her boyfriend not working and paying bills and lying to her.

I really did try to help her though, I was there and I listened to her problems and tried to give her advice, not that it did any good. She would shrug off what I suggested then a few days later be complaining about the same old crap. I’m trying not to sound bitter but I think there is a lot of anger built up there now that I look back over the past few years and see how little I actually did matter to her. The fact that she went behind my back to talk to my son and my partner and the things that I found out she was saying about me, well it really broke my heart and made me wonder if I can really honestly trust anyone anymore. It’s like if you open yourself up to someone you are just making yourself venerable to their attack. Things I have told her in confidence she has used against me to try and break Gavin and I up and for what? There is no chance in hell that I would have any interest in being with her. She has a boyfriend that she says she is so in love with anyway so I know she didn’t want me, it’s more like I was a girl friend to her but apparently she didn’t want anyone else in my life that would take the spot light off of her, how selfish. And here I digress again. I was actually attempting to write a happy entry about how wonderful things are but once again I have dove into the “drama” end of the pool lol.

But no seriously, things are good. The kids had a great day today; we hung out, went swimming and then had a picnic. My oldest is going to summer camp starting Wednesday. He’ll be 45 minutes away but still I feel like he is going to another country lol. I know that this will be good for him though, two full weeks away from me and the younger kids. Man I wish I could go instead lol. It’s a camp for kids that have behavioral disorders and emotional problems so I hope that they can maybe help him elevate some of the anger he has. He still has no interest in seeing his mother and that’s understandable. Maybe one day when she gets off the drugs and gets some desperately needed help they can start to heal their relationship but right now he needs his distance from her and I will respect his wishes. He is staying with my mom right now and that makes me sad too but it’s his choice. He is angry with me for some things, mostly for my absence through the early parts of his life. Can’t blame him for that either. I thought that I could take him in after all the abuse he suffered and make things better but I was fooling myself. I don’t think I have really been there as much as he’s needed me lately either. I mean, I can say that it’s a struggle because of the younger kids and their disabilities but that’s just making excuses, I need to find a way to be there for all my kids and not be there more for one than the others. Hopefully I can figure out a way to do that. Even though today was a good day, better than most, I still have issues with the younger kids. I have nick named them screamy and defiant. My son is conniving and devious. He doesn’t listen to anything I say, he is hyper active, very intrusive at times and can get extremely jealous and territorial. If my attention is not on him 100 percent of the time he finds ways to insert himself into whatever the situation is, sometimes in negative ways, even combative at times. My daughter, screamy, is just that. She screams and whines and cries and then constantly wants in my lap or held. I have to carry her around lots of times, even when doing housework. She clings to me at the store making it difficult to walk lol Sometimes I feel like I have a growth attached to me and I have to find ways to maneuver around her rather than pry her off me. She also has a very rigid routine that has to be followed and should I not do everything exactly as she likes it done, then she screams more. My day is filled with her screaming and my son trying to take the attention off her and onto himself. This is what usually has me so stressed out all the time, this along with the fact that my son does things like run outside, mess in the neighbors yard which is why she called the police on me the one time. He gets food out and destroys it, like throwing eggs at the wall or opening a cake mix and dumping the contents on my carpet. He has pumped hand soap on the floor, dumped powder everywhere, dumps over baskets of clean clothes, gets in my bedroom and gets into things, dumps over boxes gets papers out of my closet and throws them on the floor. He steals things and hides them, and just makes more of a mess for me when I am trying to keep the house clean. If my land lady comes by and sees the house a mess she has threatened to evict us so that has me stressed. All these things mixed together really gets me upset and so sometimes I lose my temper and I say things that I shouldn’t or I get depressed. My ex bff said that I need to stop complaining because it’s part of parenthood that everyone deals with these things but that I am using it as an excuse not to get better, not to try and she can’t deal with that anymore. She basically said that I was a terrible father and didn’t need to have kids. She told me that she hoped children services does take my kids because they would be better off with someone else. That’s what hurts the most, that she would say those things about me when I am trying, and I think I am doing a damn good job. At least I am doing better now that I don’t talk to her anymore. I felt obligated to be there when she needed me or be ready the minute she decided that she needed me. If I was gone for the day and not at the computer she would get upset, I feel more free now. I’m still sad about the whole thing, mostly that it all turned out to be so fake and that she could turn on me as easily as she did. She promised me that we would be friends forever and that no matter how bad things got she would always be there for me. She literally wrote in her e-mail to me that she had to remove herself from my life for her own mental health and peace of mind because I was upsetting her too much with all my depression and family drama. I gave her the option months ago to leave, before I got too attached. She told me that she would never do that, so basically she lied to me. I think I surprised her though, from what she has told some mutual friends, she expected me to break down and lose it. She thought it was strange that I didn’t e-mail her back and “attack” her as she wrote. She said that I am acting as if nothing happened. It’s not that, it’s just I have more important things to worry about than to get dragged into her stupid immature little game. She can’t kick me out of her life, then expect me to crawl on my belly and beg her to reconsider and take me back. When she told me she didn’t want me around anymore, I said fine, and I walked away. So now because I refuse to play her game and kiss her feet and say how sorry I am, she is going around telling everyone things that she was told in confidence and revealing stuff about my personal life to others. In the past few days I have removed ten people from my facebook page because of her. The really sad thing is that she is older than me, almost 40 and she acts this. Boy did I make a mistake in ever trusting her. In the future I should be more careful in what I tell people and how close I allow myself to get to them until I really know them better and know that they can be trusted. Right now I just want to be a good father and worry about my kids and my family so as I see it, getting thrown out of her life, her drama and her being out from under her control, was the best possible thing that could have happened to me.