Well the past few months have been extremely difficult for me. Managing depression and stress isn't as easy when your trying to manage it yourself. I have very few friends that understand the extent of my depression and they tell me take it a date at a time….but its so hard to even to wake up in the morning feeling as if you have nothing worth getting out of bed for. I felt lshould try this websitebecause i do feel like my friends get tired of hearing how "sad" i am. I did try a diary but it just doesn't make you feel heard and honestly feels like i'm just talking to myself.
So i'm taking a leap of faith here and seeing if this will help since i'm unable to afford counseling and lack a good support group to help me. Well i'm a girl trying to get back into school, i had to withdrawl from school to take care of my younger siblings who my mom couldn't take care of since her health problems. So its been a few years and i actually had to medically withdrawl for my depression, it was hard to focus on school, my family and still pay the bills. So here i am, still single, working from job to job and haven't had a dating life really the past few years. I moved to another town to go to school where i met alot of wonderful people…..but as time would have it people move and they go on with their lives.
The thing i'm struggling with the most is that my high school sweetheart who i've been on and off with again the past five years told me he is finally done. He would always show up and i would get my hopes up but this being an on and off relationship caused alot of problems. I find dating hard, i miss having friends but i miss having someone be your companion even more.I'm sorry if i'm just dumping everying, its alot to express and explain. Well i come from a very religious family, no drinking, no smoking, no "relations" before marriage. That sort of thing, in the beginning i would always date a typical guy but there was always that thing missing. Now my ex was the same religion andthis is what always drove me to my ex, he was the guy i thought i would marry. I've had a few years to slowly accept where things are but its just that feeling of being deserted and unwanted that i am struggling with. i've tried dating and meeting new people, good guys wanting to get to know me and i would always think of him. I work at a bar so typically i'm a young girl who gets hit on by the wrong guys who drink and just want one thing. So i feel like i won't meet anyone like him again which makes me feel even worse. Its been years and i'm still hung up on a guy who no longer wants to be with me.
Another issue i have is i feel like a failure when it comes to my dreams, i want to go back to school so bad but responsibilities to my family have delayed that and while everyone else is graduating i am working at a dead end job. Even that seems like a struggle with saving money and trying to pay bills when my vehicle keeps breaking down and i recently got myself into a legal situation with drinking. I understand my mistakes.
i used to handle my depression is a bad way, would try drinking, food and dating to distract me from how i felt and it got me into toruble. I don't want to be that way and i am really trying to get better. I don't want to drink anyone and i haven't dated anyone in over three years except my ex who popped in once a year. I plan on going back to church and getting back into school. I know it doesn't sound like a change overnight will stick but i'm here trying. Trying to find that drive to be happy and be who i once was again. I used to smile, have friends and felt like i could take over the world. Now at my job i'm just the girl who looks sad all the time and who doesn't talk much.
I really hit a rough patch a few weeks ago but i'm really trying to find hope. Its really hard being alone when your trying to find good friends, love and just to be able to feel normal again.