It's to the point now where i'm terrified of going shopping for food because i'm so scared of people staring at me. I can't stand the feeling. I'm absolutely drained. I feel so stupid and i normally make an idiot of myself anyway and i feel like every car passing could be people who used to know me judging me and opinionating on how much of a lonely freak i've become. Going shopping for food has been the only reason i have to leave the house for years now apart from the odd gym class or soemthing about once a month or less and college which i couldn't go to for this very reason. I can't get out of bed for anything; i failed three years of college because i was scared of people looking at me so i couldn't go in, not even the fact that my housing situation might become more messed up than it already is can get me up, not even a once in a lifetime opportunity or the things that would probably fix me from this paranoia can get me out the house or my bedwhere my fears surpress me into. i'm on my bed literally all of the day. Wake up about 2am and then i'm on my laptop doing rubbish like streaming videos to pass the time and the only time i leave is to feed myself, then i can't sleep for anxiety and can just feel my heart racing which feels so uncomfortable. I can't stand having to trail the shopping bags back to this horrible life and i can't stand the cars passing me which is the most horrible thing- my life of just waiting to die. I just want to sleep forever, that would be a kind thing. I'm like an animal being tested on by lifes conciousness. In the wild, when animals get weak and give up and can't adapt to their surroundings they are eaten and die. It should be like that for a reason. With humans we don't physically eat eachother, we mentally feed off eachother, but you can't mentally die, which is a shame. I think when love and happiness have been stripped to the bone off you from people and life and your inabillity to get on with both of those things, you need to be able to die. When theres no hope and you don't want there to be hope and it's going to be constant depression, i don't want to live another 80 years for it to end i really can't. Every step takes it out of me and every thought is heartbreaking and every breath is a sigh. Another 80 years of magazines and random internet streaming and daydreaming and depression and anxiety before i can die- that's not fair and i can't do it.