well..this is probably another act of boredom that i so often commit. ha..i don't know why i've joined this community. i'm a loner even by loner standards, so technically it's against code to do something like this, but nobody will notice anyway i figure. nobody usually does, and to anyone who might…let me pretend. it's the only way i'll feel comfortable. as much as i complain about being lonely, i can't handle anything else. or as my therapist corrina would say, i "DONT" handle anything else. it's just a play on words that makes me feel helpless. and maybe it's true, but that's how the vicious cycle goes right. yea…right.*sigh

So what should i do with this half hearted blog, theme it? no, i'm not big on themes as much as i wish i cared about anything enough to devote a theme to. Ugh, i can already feel myself trying to portray myself a certain way. *shakes head. whatever i just need to shake this off. give me a moment * a moment passes..

I have a voice recorder that i talk to, so i don't really understand why i need this to vent. i'm kind of just following my hands on this one. I like to remind myself that my voice recorder is the closest thing i have to a friend besides casey. a friend ish type person from the internet, but i don't really tell her much of anything. it's funny how that works. it's funny how i work…or dysfunctionally exist. lol..there i go laughing at myself..i'm funny in my own world..and i do live in my own world. i hate that…a lot

More than anything i'm self obsessed, they say a lot of depressed people are. the spotlight on them kind of thing in the worst kind of way. but if there's anything i've made a hobby of, it's tormenting myself, and then wishing i didn't. honestly i don't really fit in with anyone or anywhere. I'm sitting here wondering when i'll reach a point where this expansive post will have any point, cos i'm not really sure. Some people just like hearing themselves talk. I've never really liked other people like that, but it seems like maybe i'm one of them.*sigh great…oh right, here's the point. i'm lonely..and it's confusing. i think the most confusing thing about being unhappy is the search for happiness. if you're not in a place of already having given up. i move in a lot of naive circles. and i like calling myself naive because it makes me feel like i'm above being depressed, but i'm not..i'm really not lol…i still don't know why i'm typing. i guess i just want somebody to read this and know i exist.

i've been in a lot of chat rooms for depression, they're a waste of time, it's pity party central, where someone is venting and someone is fulfilling their nurturing quota needs. I always hope that things work out the best for both of the people i watch talking, but it just makes things seem more depressing. or annoying because if you go into one, there are so many names. silent names allllll over the place, and that knowledge just makes my mind race about how hard it is to connect to people, how it sucks feeling disconnected or alone, or how pointless it seems to try. It's bothersome. Other times it's obvious cos you can tell, just like anywhere else on the internet, who is a regular. cliques of regulars just make me uncomfortable. groups in general make me feel uncomfortable.

i think i might be overly critical..but i think the worse thing is the website i hatemydamnlife.com, which used to be ihatemymiserablelife.com…yea…those are really website names…and even more strange. is how excited i got when i first found that site. i think it was something like "finally!" but it was just a let down. people being "holier-than-thou" towards other people who were venting their disappointment about stuff. it seems no matter what people always end up getting ignored. i really hate that. it's the biggest tragedy that doesn't go away. nobody cares or nobody seems sincere, and regardless everybody disappears. yay for life eh?

now i feel like i'm throwing a pity party. am i really this desperate? that's it, i'm cutting myself off now. if you read this. please just read it silently, and maybe i'll come back. best of luck to you. peace

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