I wrote this November 8th 2011.
Well there was a new chapter in my life. Alot has changed for the worst. Mainly I had sex with a married man, that has a child.
He is 20 years old. His name is (blank) He has a wife and a 2 year old boy… I work at (blank) with him. I think this has to be one of the worst mistakes I've ever made……..
I really liked him. I wanted things to work out. It sounded like he was having trouble with his wife. Sounded like they didn't love each other anymore…..How could I be so stupid?
He made me feel different. He made me feel good. It felt good being in his arms. It just felt right. He made me happy. He made the first move and kissed me…Things just felt so right.I liked the way he looked at me,That was my favorite. He would just stare at me, and I felt like I was beautiful. That somebody wanted me, and thought I was great. I haven't had that kind of felling In a very very long time…..I should have known better.
He didn't know what he wanted.I guess I should have just backed out from there. I would have saved myself the completebreakdown I was about to have 2 daysbefore (Sunday, November 6th 2011) [my breakdown]
I finally got the courage to write again about my pathetic sad life….Honestly I needed to tell someone, And since I have no one….I figured I'd write. Write about how dumb I was. Sunday, November 6th is when I got shot down haha……We had planned on having sex. Well I was anyways. But we decided just to talk. Which is fine, I liked Talking to him.
We sat in his car and we started talkingabout alot of things…..He finally took one big drag out of the cigarette that he was smoking and said, Something that made my heart drop to the pit of my stomach. And made me feel like I was going to vomit all over his dash board….
He blew out all the smoke and said"i felt bad after having sex with you. I can't break up my family either. I've had alot of bad times but there We're also alot of good times. I have obligations to my family..I can't give up on my family." My heart stopped and I could only feel Everything he said slide slowly down my chest to the pit of my stomach and sit there like a rock…
I said only what anyone would say. I said what any girl with a crush on a boy that was already taken Would say, past their pride, past the feelings….I said that I understood. What else could I say…I wanted to get out of the car. I wanted to get away. I didn'tWant to look at him. I looked and felt like a fool. It just got worse….
He looked at me and smiled. The smiles I would see at work. The kind of smile he would use To make me smile when he knew I Was having a bad day and just wanted to see me smile.Then he said "I'm glad I met you Jordan, you have to be one of my closest friends I have." Still that smile plastered on his face. I smiled weakly.
I had been hit by a truck. I smiled and said I'm glad I met you too…I was slowly becoming weaker and heavier. It just kept getting worse though. Like it couldnt get any worse, but It did. It got very quite. He took a drag out of his cigarette again And said "your such a sweetheart Jordan. If things were different I'd have you.I think u deserve the best. I'm sorry if I lead you on…I want you to meet somebody. My buddy Kyle. He's lonely too and a good guy."
I wanted to jump out the window at that point. I didn't want to be hooked up.I wanted to be his…..And if I'm so sweet why am I always treated like a peice of shit? That's what I wanted to say. But I didn't…My face was burning. My eyes where trying to fill up with tears. I stopped myself though. I saved the embarrassment. He did lead me on. He lead me on like I was a train On some railroad tracks. Simple as that.
I couldn't take it anymore. I finally said i don't want to keep you anymore so let's go.I got to my house 2am and smiled weakly at him again after being hit by that atom bomb.Opened the door and grabbed my things without giving him a hug first Like I would usually do.He grabbed my arm and smiled and said "Come on," and gave me a hug.
I didn't want to hug him, I didn't want to touch him. When he was hugging me I just kept thinking about how usually we would kiss but I knew that wasn't the case anymore. I wanted nothing to do with him. The hug wasn't the same. It now didn't feel right. I got inside and everyone was sleeping. I dropped everything and changed out my clothes and got in bed. I actually smiled for a split second While laying in my bed in the complete dark.
My breakdown began. I brokedown….. I haven't cried like that in years. I just want to be wanted.. I just want to feel good.. I just want to be loved. This is truly how my depression sank and turned into something else. Something much worse. Like a nervous break down almost.
Reality had hit me. It was such a bittersweet taste. I hated it. I hated him. He was my bittersweet taste. His kisses were bittersweet and I could still smell his cologne on my hair and I hate him for hurting me. Every time I closed my eyes his face was there. I could hear everything sweet little thing he filled my head up with and it made me hate him.
I knew deep down inside, beyond the great feelings of a new crush that my happiness was not going to work out. It never does. I can never have or keep good feelings. He's what I've been looking for.
But I can never have him.