I can't stand being in this body, or a body at all. I just wanted to sleep out of this worry and i entered a mini panick state just now. I really need to talk to someone about it. I'm going to ask a doctor if theres anyone you can talk to. I keep thinking about the way men are attracted to me and it makes me feel sick and extreemely angry and i can't cope with it. I'm thinking about slimming down so that i can lose my curves and wearing baggy clothes to represent how i feel. I can imagine it now and i would feel protected. My problems are making my life misery but i'm very thankful that i could finally work outthatio had GDall along. The answer wasn't where i was looking but it was when i stopped looking and started admitting how i felt all the time that realised and accepted the connection between that and all my problems, which was a perfect fit. The annoying thing is, is that i have no human support and have had todiagnose all my problems myself, which i have a lot of and i have accurate diagnosises for apart from the worst ones. The ones that are making my life the most misery,i still don't know and still need to find out. They are top of the list for why i want to die and always have been. I have no one to talk to about it and if i can't find a person i'm going to have to find a professional, but will they take me seriously? They never do. I have had to diagnose EVERYTHING myself. I've had no help with my misery. Depression, Social anxiety, bit of paranoia, GD,and lots of other things.. and then when i go back to them they tell me i'm right, but before that when i tell them the symptoms they say nothing. There are some things that are beyond the internet though but i'm sick of having to worry about them and they are basically like blocks on huge chunks of life, making it so that i will never be able to do most things, and the type of life left behind, there is nothing in it for me. I think if i wrote about why, then let myself go, if i was staring at my dead body from heaven, i couldn't think, even now of a single possible regret for quitting. Because my problems right now put complete barriers on all of the thing's i would regret not doing anyway. It's not fair but i need to talk to someone. I was going to wait for my main Doc but i'm going to get the first one i can and put it down to fate. One of ym problems is related to my IBS. It makes me want to not eat out of anger. Maybe god doesn't want me to eat because i am a greedy person anyway and maybe he want's me to fast and learn how to be more of a giver than a consumer. Maybe that's why i have all my heath problems in the first place. arghh.