I feel worse after talking with my parents than I did yesterday. All they seemed to care about was asking me over and over again the cause of my feelings. All they want me to do is go talk to the counselor at this hell of a school. Hello?? They'll send me home if I tell her how I'm feeling. You have to be "stable" in order to be here. So if I tell her I'm feeling down, she'll send me home. No way in hell am I going to her. I've been here too long and it's too close to the program being over for me to ruin it now.
And then they kept telling me to go exercise. Not only am I out of shape but I'm feeling depressed. Since when does a person in that place exercise?
Not me. I guess I was totally wrong when I thought my parents could help me. Now I feel worse. I have no one to help me. No one cares how I feel. No one gives a f*ck!!
What I would give for a piece of my old friend to carve away my troubles. But no, I can't do that and risk someone seeing it.
Also, since it's been so long since I've felt this low, my "mask" isn't what it used to be. A couple of the people on my jobsite kept asking me if I was ok. Well here, again, I can't be truthful because they send people home for sh*t like a messy room.
I just want to curl into a ball and sleep for a while…or forever. I have nothing worth living for. My friends don't even seem to care when I told them I was feeling down yesterday. I have no one here. My babies, pets, are at home and I can't cuddle one of them for comfort.
I told my mom yesterday how I felt a child would give me something to live for and she basically laughed it off. I just want someone to need me. Someone to love me. Someone to give a f*ck if I live or die.

2 Comments
  1. Stronglyadvised 9 years ago

     As someone in your position right now, I understand what you are getting at.  The counselors don't know what it's like, and I hate people who pretend they do or ask you to explain it, because you just can't.  But the one thing that keeps me going everyday is knowing that there is at least one person out there who cares for me.  And right now?  Your with people that actually have been through or are going through what you feel.  And just look at how many people made it.  That is one of a couple positive things I look forward to knowing.  You might just laugh this comment off cause I'm just fourteen, but just know that we are here for you.  And I'd give a f*ck if you lived or died 🙂

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  2. borntired 9 years ago

    those who don't have depression have so much trouble understanding those of us who do have depression, heck i even have problems understanding depression and i am in the thick of it. your parents are trying the best they know how and they may have people giving them suggestions which they are passing on to you. yeah i have heard the same thing that exercise is equal to helpful as drugs…yeah if you could just get the gumption to do it though….amen.

    i bet if you could read peoples minds you would find out that a lot more people than you think do care for you, some of those people who are asking if you are ok may genuinely care.

    trust me…taking care of children while you are depressed is hard…..but maybe you could go about it in another positive way, volunteer at a church to watch kids in a nursery or a daycare, or go to an old peoples home and visit. i too like being around little kids because they have so much capacity for love, i teach on wednesday nights at my church because of this, for them i can get out of bed

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