I feel worse after talking with my parents than I did yesterday. All they seemed to care about was asking me over and over again the cause of my feelings. All they want me to do is go talk to the counselor at this hell of a school. Hello?? They'll send me home if I tell her how I'm feeling. You have to be "stable" in order to be here. So if I tell her I'm feeling down, she'll send me home. No way in hell am I going to her. I've been here too long and it's too close to the program being over for me to ruin it now.
And then they kept telling me to go exercise. Not only am I out of shape but I'm feeling depressed. Since when does a person in that place exercise?
Not me. I guess I was totally wrong when I thought my parents could help me. Now I feel worse. I have no one to help me. No one cares how I feel. No one gives a f*ck!!
What I would give for a piece of my old friend to carve away my troubles. But no, I can't do that and risk someone seeing it.
Also, since it's been so long since I've felt this low, my "mask" isn't what it used to be. A couple of the people on my jobsite kept asking me if I was ok. Well here, again, I can't be truthful because they send people home for sh*t like a messy room.
I just want to curl into a ball and sleep for a while…or forever. I have nothing worth living for. My friends don't even seem to care when I told them I was feeling down yesterday. I have no one here. My babies, pets, are at home and I can't cuddle one of them for comfort.
I told my mom yesterday how I felt a child would give me something to live for and she basically laughed it off. I just want someone to need me. Someone to love me. Someone to give a f*ck if I live or die.