I don't know why I'm here. I just found this by chance. I'll tell you a little about myself. I am a Veteran, wife, mother and mother-in-law. The problem is I don't really know who I am. There are labels and meds for every thing out there, but they don't really help. My depressive journey stared in 2000 and has gotten worse over the last few years. Ilost my mother to cancer on 2010and my grandmother in 2012. I take meds for Bi-polar disorder, severe depression which I took as an invitation to try suicide 3 times, severe anxiety disorder. Really the only thing I got from all of this is several visits or vacations at a hospital. I can't seem to please anyone. I, in my heart, know that I am loved, but in order to feel that love from others don't you have to love yourself? I don't even remember what it is to even like myself much less love myself. I have been so selfish and the mood swings are causing problems between my long suffering husband and I. I guess the diabetes and menopause don't help either. When I try to talk to my husband I can't express myself clearly enough and then I find my self getting frustrated and angry. I come accross as Susan the banchee and feel like Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. I'm like the weather wait 1 minute and the mood will change. I am getting those forbitten feelings of doing something rash, but I won;t. I made a promise to my mother before she died and to my self. That if I ever even think those thoughts I would find an outlet. Now its holiday time, a time of joy and happiness but i have seemed to have lost those feelings. I feel as if I will never be happy or joyful again. I feel so bad that I physically hurt. Is that possible? Well this is it. There is more but I can't do this anymore. Hopefully I'll sleep tonight.