Here I am on wednesday morning…drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes (so much for quitting).  I have had a weird few days.  On saturday a friend invited me to a party.  As soon as he asked I panicked.  Needless to say I said no.  As soon as I hung up the phone a bunch of emotions washed over me.  I felt anxious, afraid, guilty.  I felt like i was dissapointing my friends.  they rarely ask me to do anythng anymore (I say no so often, they have given up).  While I was in the hospital I promised myself that I would do things that I really don't want to do for the sake of doing something, getting off my couch…the intensity of those feelings was crazy…overwhelming.  On monday a fried came to visit and brought her 2 very cute daughters.  We went to the park and then went over to a friends house.  It was nice but I felt like everyone was walking on eggshells.  Like they were not sure what to say to me.  I know that it could all be in my head but it definately felt awkward.  My friend pete said he was impressed that my dog was so good…he thought she would be a basket case.  When I asked why he would think that he was speachless.  Maybe because they think I am a basket case.  Hell maybe I am.  I have no idea what to do with myself. My friends just want me to say that I am ok…and the truth is that I am not.  they want to hear that I don't think about killing myself but I do think about it.  Everyday.  I finally see my psychiatrist tomorow.  I haven't seen him since before I went to the hospital.  I feel like I have so much to talk to him about but am sue that I will forget half of it once I am there.  I don't know what is going to happen (if anything) when I tell him about the thoughts of suicide.  I hate wanting to die and I fight it…but I also hate life and don't really want anything to do with it.  What am I supposed to do.  I wish I could talk to my Mom.  I miss her terribly.


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