Lately, it seems as if my mind won't stop moving. Even in my sleep I keep thinking about the same questions and end up getthing the same answers to them. It's a neverending circle. I try to keep myself bottled away as not to suffer the hurt I once did with him. The only other boy who disarmed me who took my very soul apart at the seams.
That is my reason for the walls I keep so high. The walls that nobody has shattered until now. It has been five years since the last time I was left open exposed to the world for everything that I am. Now here i am once again exposed and scared. Like the small child I once was hideing from her father afraid for her life. All of that….seems so very long ago. The pain, the suffering, the slow torture he put me through. As I sit and ponder this strange unfamiliar feeling once more it becomes almost laughable. I have let my walls fall half way for this boy and now I am facing the as he put it tank that i am attempting to hid in a small child's sand box.
it really is a long wait to try and hold out on, but I mean if I give up this boy will I really be able to say I tried my hardest. No, of course not and that would be so unlike me. I know that it is a wasted pursuit but it is one I do out of passion not out of simple longing. I have spent what seems like eons thinking about the true meaning of love and if I am truely way one would call lovestruck or just spellbound by this sudden attention I get from him.
I has taken me some time to realise it but it is not as simple as infatuation but maybe not as deep as love. What i feel for this boy is real and I want to protect him, cherish him, be there for him. He feels right to me but than when I think of the torns that always follow the sweetest of roses. My dreams crumble into ash.
I have realised by this point in my writing that I should just get to the point. The subject is Up down good bad right wrong stop or go I dont know anymore. That is exactly what i am feeling. This boy is worth going after, but if what my mind knows is true and will truely happen then why should i follow this path. Why should I go into heartache. I do not think I can stop myself now. It is to late for me to change my path that i know is certain. All i can do now is hope for the best and allow myself to be carried away and led down my path to the lesson I was meant to learn from this life.