The environment I live in is so discouraging to hard work and achievement it's staggering that I haven't given up on my life entirely by now. Everyone I know, from my current girlfriend to my friends to my family, and even my coworkers are all such lazy people. I kind of wish I knew of more successful or active or productive people, mentors, role models, anything to look at and just not see this lazy way of life that it'd be easy for me to stay in.

At home, there's my family. My parents right now are going through a bankruptcy, and overall I don't think they're handling it the best. They spend 90% of their time watching house shows or FOX news at home, spouting off about some agenda the TV tells them to (I'm unbiased I hate both the liberal and conservative media and the people who mindlessly follow without thinking for themselves but that's the chosen one my parents take) and spending their days waiting to die staring at a box. Then there's my sister, who sleeps almost all day when she's home and when she's not, she's shopping for things she's not going to buy online. I have 3 other brothers at home, and one in California, and the one in Cali is basically living off his girlfriend's parents since he's not working anymore, while my brothers at home are going to school, but have no interest in jobs and in their downtime generally spend it in their beds glued to a computer, TV or video game. Blahhh, even my friend I hang out with is going to school but also refuses to work and doesn't seem to really have any hobbies other than WoW and chasing guys.

Work is terrible as well, mostly because I work in a toxic work environment. Everyone in my department is salaried except me, and they all don't seem to care much about their job except covering their own asses from getting fired. Everything is "document it in the email so I can put it on someone else" and everyone comes in 30-45 minutes late to work and calls in sick frequently. I think my manager has worked maybe 4 weeks this year so far with how much he's called in sick and even when he does show up he's often super late. Honestly it's made me care less about when I show up, especially when no one but the accounting person checks my time sheet and honestly though I don't, I feei I could put whatever hours I wanted on their and get paid for time I'm not working. Factor in as well, that I'm the same job title as everyone else and there's nowhere to go in the company as far as promotion, and I pretty much feel unmotivated to care there too. Just want to find a new job ASAP so I can actually feel I'm doing something worthwhile with my time and like my work isn't a total waste.

And then there's my girlfriend i'm particularly frustrated with. When I met her, she was working a full time job, had her own place, her own car, and in her spare time she'd throw big parties and social events and even showed me a huge amount of interest in sewing and writing, she was very fluent in it. She was even planning on starting school up ontop of that even with all that going on, but now she just works as a line cook 20-30 hours a week, has no car, lives in a room for rent and doesn't really seem interested in doing anything about that or even being active enough to deal with her weight problem.

Where are all the driven people? Are they invisible to me because my environment I've surrounded myself with is so clouded with lazy people? Am I myself not worthy or being around people who actually want to do things with their lives? I'm depressed, and even for me being depressed I may not always make the best choices for success but I'm so fucking sick of feeling like the only person who wants to do something besides consume whatever crap he various forms of media give us and actually wanting to make an impact on life rather than sitting around waiting to die.

I did like 8 hours of homework today, then I went for a nice long walk, and I even took care of my sick girlfriend, even with her being moody on her period. At least I got some small amount of praise from her saying "I think you handled things like a mature adult today and I'm sorry I wasn't" and that's some small vindication that I'm on the right path. I never know if I am anymore, I don't have anyone to look up to. I'm the hardest working person I know short of my ex, I'm the one in all the circles I run (even with my family with my dad being a doctor) who has the money, who has the ideas of what to do, who has the ability to make decisions.

i'm starting to wonder if i'm more depressed because of what I don't have or if my goals and standards are just way higher than the crap in my life I'm surrounded by. Then again maybe I'm judging everyone way too harshly, since after all, they're human and so am I. I don't know what to think anymore…