Today is THE BIG DAY. The day of my first scan, in other words. so incredibly nervous, and excited, of course. I was in tears last night with the fear that the baby will have an ‘anomoly’ (as this is the ‘anomoly’ scan). It isn’t so much that I’d think less of it for not being perfect, more that I’d blame myself forever more. I still haven’t quit smoking, and I’m 20 weeks. I’ve cut down alot – from 25 to 8 a day – but every one makes me feel wracked with guilt. You’d think I would “just quit” and save myself the worry, but it isn’t as easy as that. The attack I was a victim to early last year has come back to haunt me more and more lately, and I am struggling to cope. I don’t feel I have the courage to deal with it as I did before. The whole world seems a very scary place, and mostly because my manager at work joked about drugging and raping woman as a way to get sex. It makes me feel sick to the core to think that someone can talk so lightly of it, and not only that but now whenever I see him at work, I feel very vulnerable and angry and all the feelings I had in such mountanous amounts last year, which I thought I’d delt with. Since then I’ve been up and down and firmly wedging my head in the sand so that I don’t have to go see a counsellor, though that hasn’t worked, and I cope less well by the day. sooner or later I’m going to have to bite the bullet – my fear being that by talking about it again (and it will have to be in detail) I will relive it. Or, at least, unearth many of the same emotions. But that seems to be happening any way. I guess I’m just waiting for things to get so bad that I know they can’t get any worse. And smoking, however selfish it seems, is a way to block that out and distract myself – a crutch, pretty much. I know everyone thinks terribly of me for smoking while pregnant (they’ve voiced their concerns often enough) which only compounds the guilt and compells me to smoke more to block it out. It has been so hard giving up alcohol, though i am near enough teetotal and have been for a long time now, but the smoking is my last and only crutch and I’m too scared to give it up yet. I know I need to ‘seek professional help’. SIGH. It would be nice if I took my own advice, for once.
Anyway, I hope you’re all doing well, and I will blog again soon. x